Toy Talk: Gliding through Tax Day

Yesterday I had some fun at the expense of the tea baggers, but though we may not agree with their politics most of us have, at one time or another, felt screwed by taxes, especially when you read  some story about how you probably pay more in taxes than corporate America.  Seriously. Even a fucking Vulcan would be resentful.
     Which is why I wrote in my post from February 24 that if you're going to take it up the ass on tax day you might as well enjoy it and learn a little something about buttseks via digital experimentation (and by digit, I mean finger) or with a nice strap on you can use with a partner. 
      Having given it quite a bit of thought I've decided that comparing taxes to anal sex does a disservice to anal sex. The only way they are really similar is that both are easier if you relax, but that's true of everything. This anal sex we're talking about is consensual, which paying taxes isn't. You won't face auditing or jail time for failing to have buttseks. Anal isn't tough to figure out how to do; taxes are so pointlessly complicated that they can send you flying into the arms of your local booby hatch within minutes of sitting down with your receipts. And of course there is nothing fun whatsoever about taxes.


      Anything that makes taxes easier is either costly (getting someone else to do it), irreversible (lobotomy, dying) or only effective in the short term (getting so drunk you can't work a spork). Aside from learning to relax the pertinent muscles, the one thing that makes anal easier (in fact, it's a necessity) is lube, lube and more lube. Fairvilla Megastore has about a zillion brands - so many we decided to limit our testing to the non-flavored/scented brands for now and to only a handful of those (we tested these on our hands, by the way; otherwise we might not have finished this post til 2011). We asked a lot of questions and tried a lot of options and of the things we tried the ones we liked or that came the most higly recommended were as follows:
     - "Some people are allergic and some are sensitive and prone to yeast infections," sales associate Sean says and if that's the case it's best to use something glycerin-free (glycerin is a sugar-based compound) like the Pink line. Pink Water, the water-based variety and Hot Pink, a warming liquid, are both super slick and wonderfully light to the touch; we also liked ID Glide and Astroglide.
     - Silicone-based lubes, Fairvilla's Aline says, last longer because they're thicker, and last longer; she likes the Jo brand. Our colleage Mel adds that silicone works better in water, i.e., "shower, bathtub...swimming pool," she laughs. The silincone-based I liked best at the store was Pjur Eros, a German brand, so slick it feels like it has ball-bearings in it - two of us who tried it couldn't stop rubbing our fingers together for the next half hour.
     - The drawback with silicone is that you can't really use it with silicone toys - "You have to clean it off immediately," Mel says, "or the toys start to deteriorate," plus, if you have a toy that's somewhat intricate (a realistic penis shape with lots of veins and ridges, or an animal vibe, like a dolphin or rabbit), silicone based lube is harder to clean off of it.
          - Oil-based lubes (petroleum jellies, massage oils and Crisco, among others) are a definite no-no with condoms, according to Planet Out's Dr. Omar Minwalla who says "Petroleum and oil wear down laytex and cause breakage," and if you're using laytex condoms, don't use oil-based lubes, "period," says the doctor. Period.
           - Water-based lubes are safe with laytex condoms, Dr. Minwalla says adding that silicone lubes are fine with laytex and polyurethane also; Mel doesn't feel too sure and prefers the "better safe than sorry" route of just using water-based lubes with condoms.  About.com's Contraception page says that silicone-based lubes are okay, lists some of their pet choices (including Pjur Eros) and also notes that the better brands will have dimethicone listed first among ingredients.
           - Of course, there's always good ol' KY, which most of us are familiar with because it's quite conveniently thrown into your shopping cart with the bananas and the jumper cables (we're picturing you at Super Target...buying lube, bananas and jumper cables. Pervert.). Nothing wrong with that, but if you are at an adult toy store where there is a greater variety of experiences right there on the shelf it's a prime opportunity to see what else is available to you. 
           See, you don't get this many options with taxes.  And, unlike taxes, another advantage of all these explorations is: no deadline. Take your time. As Maude once said to Harold. "Stroke. Palm. Caress. Explore." 
          (We'll have more on natural-ingredient lubes coming up in future posts so stay tuned!)