Movie Mondays: Resolutions for the Adult Industry

       Welcome to the week between Christmas and New Year’s, that long corridor of time when we have the luxury of taking stock of every dumbass thing everyone else in the world did this year and then making one resolution for ourselves – possibly so we don’t make the same mistakes as any of them did.

       Aside from the fact that no one keeps them, resolutions pose one major problem: we make them for ourselves when other people should probably make them for us and us for them.

       This will never happen, of course. It would cause probably 90% of the partnerships in earth to go down like the Hindenburg. Our nearest and dearest have a perspective on us that we never can but hearing them say something like “The only weight you need to lose is that idiot boyfriend of yours,” would be troubling because, while true, there's a great chance it would be the friend that gets the axe instead of the boyfriend. It's an ooky side of human nature that we sometimes kill the messenger should the message be one we’re not ready to hear.

       Be that as it may, the idea of the resolution from without is still a good one and since it’s Movie Monday so here are some suggestions for resolutions that the adult film industry could make this year to make it even better than last year. If anyone takes these suggestions and they work out you can consider them predictions instead of suggestions, consider me psychic instead of just a writer and pay me exhorbitent fees for my advice, which you'll take or be doomed. Dooooooooooooomed!

       DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED!

       I always wanted to do that. Anyway, on with the show:

       ALIEN CGI: We had such a great time last year with "Pirates II: Stagnetti’s Revenge" (which was technically 2008, but who cares) that we hope there will be some more fantasy/CGI stuff happening in adult world this year and considering the preoccuptation of the movie-going public with aliens, vampires and other supernatural creatures maybe it’s about time we saw a little inter-species action. Start with Eccentrica Gallumbits, the Triple-Breasted Whore of Eroticon Six and you’ll have the adult film dollar of every geek from here to the White Cliffs of Dover (if you haven’t already).

       TIGER TIGER   Now, as it happens I spent Xmas in Winderemere and I wouldn’t wish this on a neighbor or anything, but we all know the parody tapes are going to happen – but please, at least, make them good. Parodies were ha-yooj last year and the best ones, i.e."Crock of Love" were clever in their casting and funny as well. If you’re going to go to the trouble of story context, that part should be enjoyable, too. Maybe a “Caddyshack” send-up with a Tiger subplot? (Sorry, it’s the only golf movie I know, outside of the Bugs Bunny cartoon My Bunny Lies over the Sea).

       STORY.   Speaking of parodies, the popularity of the spoofs that came out last year are convincing proof that adult film audiences still want plot. People will skip forward to the sex and go back to the sex they want to see again, but that doesn’t mean context doesn’t count. I've often zipped through the sex and then gone back to check out the story or vice versa.  Just like in real life, it’s nice to find that everything else about the source of your sexual excitement is interesting too.

SEX TAPES   I suspect there will be some people (Jon Gosselin, perhaps?) who might try, one day, to to make porn movie like others have done when to extend their 15 minutes to 16 (John Bobbit; Dustin Diamond). Please don’t fall for it. Let them pretend to have a sex tape that got leaked instead. That’s always bad enough.

CROSS-OVER    Sasha Gray’s popularity is well-deserved in the adult world but it was fun watching her crossover to the mainstream in “The Girlfriend Experiment,” but honestly, the thing that intrigued me the most about her was the list of her 5 favorite films on The Rotten Tomatoes show, offering preferences that make most of the rest of us look like slow-witted fifth graders. Well done. Would love to see more of her in the mainstream and more like her everywhere.

EVAN STONE.  Just put him (pictured above, right) in adult film ever made, including the home videos, and get it over worth. They will all be better for it.

     Anyway, those are our resolutions for the adult industry this year - we'll be on the look-out for Eccentrica Gallumbits and they can be on the lookout for us.