Toy Talk: Getting your Sunny Side up for Spring

            When we think of Easter most of us either envision a religious experience or something sweet. But why settle for one or the other when there are plenty of toys that’ll give you both?

            Last week we talked about rabbits and this week we’re going to round out that spring theme and talk about eggs. Egg-shaped vibrators – called “bullets” when they’re more elongated than elliptical – are clitoral stimulators, or at least that’s how most people use them, says Rob, a sales associate at Fairvilla Megastore who knows more about the store’s eggs than chickens do about theirs. Because of their small size, Rob says, eggs and bullets are discreet and easy to use in solo or partner sex. Their bestseller is the Turbo 8 Accelerator (pictured, left). “That egg is ready to hatch and go to the moon,” Rob jokes and no wonder – it packs FOUR AA batteries, so it packs a lot of punch.

            Another popular one is the 7 Wonder Bullet (pictured, left), no bigger than the tip of your pinky but with enough buzz to light up the neighborhood (though they’d never hear it). Fairvilla’s Ashley advises me “Put it against the tip of your nose,” because the nerve endings are similar to the ones “down there.” Indeed, on its highest setting I jumped back like the thing was on fire – the pulsating setting provided more more of desirable tickle. Finally no one can help but love the Love Bug Bullet, a soft egg vibrator by Doc Johnson with a butterfly embossed on the egg. The Love Bug comes in the perfect spring colors of pink and peach– the best, buzziest bouquet you could pick.

            If you come into Fairvilla to check out the bullets and eggs – and I stopped counting when I got to 50 different styles – take some wonderfully practical advice from Rob and make sure you take note of the type of batteries your chosen toy takes. Some take watch or strange-sized batteries that most of us don’t have just laying around the house. “If it runs down you can’t just take the batteries out of your remote,” he said, pointing to the flower-shaped Vibin’ Miss Daisy (no, I’m not kidding) which is a good product, but runs on watch batteries, so you’d have to make sure to stock up.

            “Oh, my God,” I thought, “How does he know I take the batteries out of the remote like that?” And I do. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve become irritated with a vibe that’s petering out and done exactly the transfer Rob described, just as I transfer good light bulbs from one lamp to another because I haven’t the foresight to stock up on anything. Turns out it’s not just me. Don’t you love when you find that out?

            Anyway, don’t let the excitement of the toy store let your forget your power source. A vibrator with no batteries is literally a buzz kill.

            And do stop in or go to www.fairvilla.com and check out the eggs and rabbits for Easter. Spring is in the air – these toys will put it in your step.

            

Sorry we're so late today - we've been running crazy and having a marvelous time at the Florida Film Festival  and hope you'll get in on the fun too! Tonight is Italian Cinema night, with Italian shorts at 6:30, a wine and cheese party at 8:10 at the classic "La Dolce Vita" (see clip above) at 9pm all at Enzian Theater (!We'll be recommending some more films all through the week and don't forget, I'll be introducing "Pillow Talk" tomorrow at Popcorn Flicks in The Park! Hope to see you then!

PS: STILL NO WINNER in the watch-n-win a Fairvilla Megastore t-shirt contest! All you have to do is watch the video from the previous post ("Heel Thyself") and guess which, of all the pairs of fabulous footwear displayed in Fairvilla's shoe department, actually belong to me - and you win an FU (Fairvilla University) t-shirt! We've had tons of guesses but not a winner yet! Be the first to write to me with the correct answer at langley.liz@gmail.com or on Facebook and it's yours (and you can see a pic of me by the Trevi Fountain as well...not quite Anita Ekberg, but it was fab!)

Heel Thyself! And Win a T-Shirt!

            Some people think that even the most level-headed woman can't pass a shoe store without turning into Homer Simpson in The Land of Chocolate. Not true. It depends on the shoe store. I don’t have an inner Imelda…unless we’re talking a particular type of footwear. If you can see your reflection in it well enough to apply liquid eyeliner, if it looks as if it was once coiled and hissing, if the heels are either as high and pointy as chopsticks or as  tall and klunky as the box they came in then I will walk over who I have to to get them. The shoes I like aren’t made for walkin’.

            So when I discovered that the prices in the shoe department at Fairvilla Megastore were lower than most of the heels I not only spent a few bucks, I had-had-had to show them all off! If you’re not inspired to learn to pole dance, fight crime in a Spandex jumpsuit or renamed yourself Mistress Blucher after seeing these, well, maybe you should come check them out in person. As Dorothy Gale and Cinderella knew a good pair of shoes can change your life.

            BONUS TRACK! If you are the first person who correctly guesses which footwear, of all the pairs of shoes and boots shown, are the ones I bought and you're the first person to tell me you’ll win a Fairvilla Megastore t-shirt or tank top! DONT'T LEAVE YOUR GUESS AS A BLOG COMMENT! Write to me on Facebook or at Langley.liz@gmail.com (in the video I only say  Facebook but I realize that’s unfair to the kids with social network phobias). Go back and look 'em all over carefully. And those of you who were either there when I got them or who have already seen them - you don't count.

            SPECIAL THANKS to Matt Reyes for the great videography (Twitter him @motorbikematt), to the lovely Rachael of Fairvilla Megastore (she IS America's Next Top Shoe Model) and to both she and my girl Michell at Fairvilla for helping me with this most rare and major purchase.
            Enjoy!

Forbidden Film: The Florida Film Festival

        Murderous priests wielding razor-sharp dildos, a mega-star’s dad doing old ladies for the money and Rock Hudson seducing girls. You’re either down the rabbit hole or in Florida.

         And lucky you (I think) it’s the latter, specifically The Florida Film Festival which starts tomorrow. As a member of the narrative features selection committee I can tell you it’s going to be a great program – with concepts Original Cinema, Forbidden Films, Temptation, Indulgance and Redemption, how could it not be?

         Before we get to that I want to take you waaaaaaay back to the very first entry in this blog which was about "Sita Sings the Blues" and animated feature, one my committee chose for the festival and one of the most innovative films I’ve ever seen.

        If animation, Indian Gods and a monkey army weren’t enough, the best thing about this movie is that director Nina Paley made it as the result of a break-up. Those of us who attempt to fix heartache by drinking, eating, fleeing or bitching have much to learn from Nina Paley mainly that the best revenge is being absolutely spectacular.

        

         The FFF’s Forbidden Films are movies which were a little overheated for their times but which went on to become classics, which just goes to show you,: if you don’t go over the top you never get to see the other side.

         We’re lucky enough to have several celebs from three of the Forbidden Films joining us. Glenn Close from  “Fatal Attraction.” Jon Voight of “Midnight Cowboy,” and legendary director Ken Russell and ground-breaking screenwriter (and UCF’s own) Barry Sandler who will give us the skinny on “Crimes of Passion” the provocative film branded Kathleen Turner’s perfection on everybody’s brain and cemented Anthony Perkins’ status as the all-time greatest player of psychopaths ever (see the clip below). Also on the bill, Federico Felliini’s “La Dolce Vita,” about a hard-partying gossip mag writer in 1960’s Rome and which gave us the term “paparazzi” after its character Paparazzo.

         Finally there’s the not-so-forbidden “Pillow Talk” starring Rock Hudson and Doris Day, the Enzian's Winter Park Popcorn Flick next Tuesday. This romantic comedy is charming from tip-to-tail: a womanizing songwriter and a prim designer irritate the bejesus out of each other – and of course fall in love - through a party line (and one point during which, our boy Rock has to feign being gay to throw her off). A party line was a shared phone line - kind of like an involuntary conference call. Back then it was considered a nuisance having people in in your business. Nowadays if people don’t get up in our business – Facebook, Twitter, Myspace, IM, comments, chat – it means we have techno-cooties. “Pillow Talk” harkens back to an era when people liked to talk to each other (gasp!) one at a goddamn time.

         “Pillow Talk,” by the way, is an old-fashioned term referring to an intimate conversation between romantic partners, i.e., the stuff you talk about with your heads hit the pillow. Pillow talk is one of my favorite things in the world and “Pillow Talk” is one of my most sentimentally beloved movies and I’m happy to say I’ll be introducing it Tuesday night.

         I’ll be recommending other films throughout the week, here in the blog and on Facebook and Twitter, but in the meantime, check out the schedule and events. See you there!

Sweet Cheeks

            A little while back we discussed a couple of women who can definitely heat up a kitchen: Rachael Ray and Cat Cora (“Cookers,” 3.11.09) With the excitement of  Iron Chef Cora coming to town for the Florida Film Festival  this Saturday I thought I’d shift my focus away from dirty-sweet to just sweet. Why not? Surely I can look away from the ‘adult’ rack for for one day. Right?

            Wrong! Gotcha! Yes, I’m going to talk about cakes but not be the kind you’d trot out for Meemaw’s 90^th Birthday. Take the one up above ferinstance: blended into the Fairvilla Megastore library with the various kama sutras, erotic novels and sizzling photo art books was "Xtra Naghty Cakes" by Debbie Brown, very ready to satisfy a different kind of sweet tooth. If you’ve ever thought you could do as well as those folks on that other Food Network show, "Ace of Cakes" – and you thought that show should be on the Playboy Channel – this is the volume to try.

            Or if you’re like me and consider the salad bar to be all the cooking you want to do, give it to someone else with pages of cakes you’d like them to make for you thoughtfully marked with a check for the ingredients. When you have your birthday, anniversary or I-lost-my-G-spot-virginity party, you’ll be glad you did.

            Some of the recipes seem like they might be more for the seasoned baker than the amateur, but this could be because I look at most kitchen utensils like they’re mystical objects just unearthed from Tut’s tomb for which no modern human could divine the use (“What the hell is it?” “That’s a spoon, idiot.”) Dammit, though, if you want to make a butt cake badly enough, I have total faith in you.

            Besides…who doesn’t want a booty they can take a bite out of? 

Toy Talk: “When you’re investing in your orgasms, you want something that suits you”

            Janeane Garofalo once did a great stand-up comedy bit about how if you try to give a woman some cake to take home from a party she’ll say “I don’t want that cake in the house!” like it might attack her. A woman once told me she shoved an entire chocolate cake down the garbage disposal, which I think the mom in “Gremlins” also did to the gremlins. Candy is a sweet gift but thanks to dieting it might be a big fat waste of money and end up getting shared with friends, neighbors and the gang at the office. Besides, you know what they say – candy is dandy - but sex is better.

            OK, that’s not what they say at all, but you take my point - when you’re considering alternative fillers for Easter baskets this year you can still go for eggs and rabbits, but instead of chocolate, opt for battery-operated variety. Next week we’ll go egg hunting – this is the week of the Rabbit.

            The original rabbit vibrator which enjoyed such a meteoric rise to fame thanks to “Sex and the City,” was the Jack Rabbit by California Exotics (pictured, right), but the term “rabbit” has a much broader meaning.

            “Rabbit is a term used to designate a dual stimulator,” but it doesn’t necessarily mean it’s shaped like a rabbit, says Jinger, the worldly-wise manager at Fairvilla Megastore . Many rabbits have a shaft with beads on a baring that rotate for stimulation of the vaginal entrance and a clitoral stimulator that pulses and escalates usually shaped like an animal and not just fuzzy bunnies.

            The animal totem sex toy originated “in the Orient where they were not allowed to simulate something in the shape of genitalia,” Jinger says. They would make carvings into animals and then strategically make varieties” that would work for the intended purpose – like a porpoise. Or an elephant.  They’re cute and non-threatening:  “We want soft, cute things near our fun places,” Jinger says, and indeed, there are 50 different products that qualify as rabbits at Fairvilla, myriad variations on length, girth and color. The Jack Rabbit is water proof, made of a jelly-like material which is softer at the shaft than on the tip and is about an average size, Jinger says; women who prefer thinner might go for Golden Triangle’s Perfect Jewel while the Vibratex Thunder Cloud is made of a softer, more plush material and has the most.

            The big difference between the rabbit-shaped rabbit and the rabbits shaped like elephants or dolphins is the ears. With the rabbit, the clitoris will sit between the rabbit’s ears which will cause stimulation by fluttering alongside it. With the other animals – say the elephant’s trunk, for example, will cause a “high frequency pinpoint vibration instead of the flutter.” It just depends on what you want or what you think your partner would want, which means you should ask lots of questions.

            “We all look different, we all want different things,” says Jinger. “When you’re investing in your orgasms, you want something that suits you.”

            Or that suits the one you love, which a jelly rabbit might do much better than a chocolate one.

            And I’ll bet my fluffy cotton tail she doesn’t share this gift with the office staff.

Monday quiz: Are you Retrosexual?

You’d think you wouldn’t have much choice, but there is a reason many people have to remind themselves to “Be Here Now.” Renaissance Fayres and swing nights are just a couple of clues that a lot of folks prefer the charms of the past to the thrill of the present, and where your heart goes, your bathing-suit-parts will follow. So take this quiz and find out….are you Retrosexual?

(image from Vintage Classic Porn - go there and check out amazing dirty flicks from the past!)

1. What’s a Brazilian?
a. About $80
b. Someone from Brazil

2. What’s a sunga?
a. A Brazilian for men
b. Umm….is that like a mummu?

3. What’s the biggest risk you face in the dating world?
a. Facebook stalkers
b. The VD

4. What’s most likely to keep you tied up?
a. Nylon restraints (comfy and washable)
b. Duh! If I go to it, that party is key

5. What’s “pillow talk”?
a. What the sales staff can tell you about “The Liberator,” and other sex furniture
b. An intimate conversation between lovers in bed

6. What’s “hysterical paroxysm”?
a. A bleach job that’s so bad it’s funny
b. How Victorian doctors cured female “hysteria,” (now known as “an orgasm”)

7. How often do you hook up?
a. Depends on my schedule
b. Hook what up?

8. What’s whale bone?
a. A whale’s erection – dude, great blue whales can have 13 foot wangs!
b. The important part of that corset from question 4.

9. What’s a key party?
a. Duh! If I go to it, that party is key
b. How I ended up divorced

10. At the last festival you went to, who had the sexiest job?
a. Probably the lead singer
b. Definitely the falconer

If you got…
More A’s than B’s, you’re totally in the now, so current you’re practically time traveling into the future

More B’s than A’s, you’re charmed by sexy costumes and customs of days gone by. Nothing wrong with that – sex in the past is the only way any of us got to be here in the present.

Ask not what your love life can do for you - ask what you can do for your love life!

Yesterday we talked about how inexpensively you can spark up your libido with a few tips form the Kama Sutra – today we round that out with 5 Things You Can do for Free or Cheap to amp up a romantic evening. Call it our Stimulus Package – you put a little something in - like the time it takes to watch this clip – and hopefully it’ll pay off in a big, juicy way!
Fairvilla Megastore’s awesome staff knows that we’re all feeling the financial pinch and they were happy to help us show-and-tell you a few freebies / cheapies that we hope will make you very happy. Thanks to them for their first-class customer service and to Matthew Reyes for the great videography! Twitter him @motorbikematt Enjoy!

Position paper

            People ask whether I think the economy will have a negative effect on our sex lives and my ambiguous-but-honest answer is yes-and-no. Yes because there is no cold shower colder than poverty. Low self-image over job loss, worrying and fighting over finances –fear is a speeding truck to the lovebug of arousal.

            Conversely sex is cheap - free if you get the condoms at Planned Parenthood, and cheap entertainment is high on all our lists these days. Plus, you don’t need a lot of money to keep it interesting – spice can cost as little as saying “Hey, move your hips this way…”

            Most of us stick with a few favorite positions (unless we find ourselves in a space where improv is required - car, photo booth, two-person horse costume on Halloween), but a little change in choreography goes a long way to bringing some playfulness back to the game and the go-to guide for sexual positions for the past 1500-1900 years, give or take a century, is the Kama Sutra. At Fairvilla Megastore they have 21 books that offer variations on the ancient text including The Pop-Up, Lesbian and Outdoor Kama Sutras and the Cookie Sutra, which is how you’d look doin’ it if you were made of gingerbread (and even then I’m sure you couldn’t be sweeter than you are).

            While the guides all have their own merits, two I really like are Anne Hooper’s Pocket Kama Sutra ($10) and The Sex Deck by Emily Dubberly with consultant Dr. Dawn Harper ($14.95). Hooper’s has been around for awhile (first published in 1996) and has over 100 photographic illustrations which are attractive but somehow detatched. You don’t look at the couple pictured and think “I can’t be like them,” you think “I’m trying that!”

            Similarly “The Sex Deck: Playful Positions to Spice up Your Love Life,” is a sort-of flash card deck using drawings to illustrate various positions. The back of each card explains how to do what’s pictured, benefits for both parties - i.e. deeper penetration or increased clitoral stimulation – and cautions about potential difficulties, like stress on the back or shoulders.

            The Sex Deck isn’t labeled as a Kama Sutra, but it counts. One thing I like about them both is that neither is bigger than a post card. You can throw them in a purse (I get bored in traffic) and they feel more playful and light on a nightstand than a big, cumbersome volume might. Sometimes size matters – and sometimes small is better.

            You could try all these positions right away, but it’s likely that you’ll return to a book often and find fresh, fun thigns you haven’t tried. In other words they stretch your dollar as much as your body (depending on the position). That’s a bonus we all deserve.

Squeeze Please

            Squeeze. It’s one of the greatest words ever. Damn near everything associated with it is good and happy. Fresh-squeezed, the band Squeeze, squeezing your squeeze –unless you run into a python, squeezing is all good.

            Moreover, it can be good for your health. Recently I wrote for Alternet.org on Wholistic Sexuality class and the importance of breathing and working – aka squeezing - your pelvic floor muscles for better orgasms. After reading a Twitter post called Kegels for Everyone from Tantus, Inc. (you can find a wall-full of their beautiful toys at Fairvilla Megastore ) it occurred to me that while breathing is pretty self-explanatory the location of the pelvic floor muscles might not be clear, so here goes a better explanation of what and where they are and how to work them.

            The pelvic floor or pubococcygeus muscles help support your internal organs and their regular exercise not only makes for better, more controllable orgasms for men and women, but helps prevent incontinence, make pregnancy more comfortable and help reduce risk of pelvic organ prolapse ( i.e., the womb, bladder or bowels slipping out of place in what ought to be our golden years when we’ll have enough problems goddamit). These exercises are called Kegels, named after California ob-gyn Dr. Arnold Kegel who proffered them in the 1940’s as way to help prevent incontinence in women after pregnancy.

            The simplest way to make sure you’re squeezing the right muscle group down there is to stop the flow of urine in mid-stream. Pretty simple, really – those are the muscles you want to squeeze. You might end up squeezing the sphincter and lower abs at the same time, but try to isolate the pelvic floor muscles and tighten only those. And while we know you’ve had fun with the pee-stopping trick, don’t do Kegels this way consistently. That might lead to your bladder not emptying completely, which can give you a urinary tract infection for which you might need an anti-biotic which will be sucky and be expensive. For good advice on beginner and advanced Kegels – how many to do and for how long - go to Kegels for Everyone. It’s good stuff to know.

            Another Kegel benefit: you can do them anywhere, any time and no one will know. Driving. Working. Delivering a speech to your shareholders. Meeting your new boss. As my friend Jim likes to say, casually standing in the middle of some soiree with a big drink in his hand, “I’m doing them right now!”

            Me, too. So can you. All you gotta do is squeeze. 

Jolly, perhaps. Green, definitely. Giant…she doesn’t say.

            Happy St. Patrick’s Day! I couldn’t think of a better way to commemorate the day we dye everything emerald green - from beer to bread to fountain water than this story from Marie Claire magazine about a young lady whose boyfriend dyed his penis green. “Kermit dick,” is one of the wonderful phrases you’ll find herein and while we wish she – or he – had gone into more detail about why, St. Patrick’s Day is never mentioned: Marie Claire: The Green Penis 

            The photo, by the way, is from the blog Love Carrots and Other Vegetables , “a sporadic photographic journal of weird or humorous vegetables.” I’m so happy such a thing exists.

            Have a great holiday!

Oh, yeah, PS, just because we can:

Toy Talk took a holiday break but will be back next Tuesday. 

Monday Quiz: Say it how you like, We're calling it McLovin'

     With St. Patrick’s Day coming up tomorrow we're pleased  pay some homage to the magical place that gave us Oscar Wilde, Harp Lager and the 34.5 million Americans of Irish descent (according to a US Census Bureau press release from 2006 ). No country as musical, fiery and fun as the Irish could possibly go long without a word for sex…could they?

       According to the website Language Log, Irish novelist Frank Delaney gave an interview to NPR’s Scott Simon in which he said said the Irish have “no word for sex.” Language Log was notably peeved and gave eleven examples to the contrary of Irish terms for sex and sex acts. We’ve listed four of them (and one extra) here, mixed in with five words for sex in other languages – see if you can guess which is which (answers and link to Language Log below):

 ag bualadh leathair
*
 bouji * collaíocht
 * cuid a dhéanamh de
* geslacht  * geslag  *gnéas * lui le* nemiség * nga'chug

Answers: The Irish sexual terms listed are ag bualadh leathair, collaíocht
, cuid a dhéanamh de, gnéas  and  lui le (the first four are from Language Log ’s list; the last is from Irish Diciotnary Online ). The rest, from http://www.freedict.com/ are (note: some of the accenting didn't translate): bouji (Japanese), geslacht (Dutch), geslag (African) and nemiseg (Hungarian). The last one – nga’ chug – is “sex” in Klingon.)

Yo Ho! Pirate Booty!

Other than the fervent prayer that they would bring back eyeliner for men, Disney’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” movies didn’t do much for me. But when my pals at Fairvilla Megastore said “Try THESE pirates” –i.e. the adult films "Pirates,” and “Pirates 2: Stagnetti’s Revenge” I was delightedly surprised. Elaborate wardrobes, sets and CGI affect, plus men in eyeliner AND a lot of XXX sex scenes...if this doesn’t swash your buckles they’re on too tight.

             “The last thing I rent adult movies for is the wardrobe and the plot,” you say? Try this: on your first viewing, forward through the story and watch the sex. Then when you’re tired, forward through the sex and watch the movie. It’s two – two – two films in one! And watch for Evan Stone’s Zap Brannigan impression – it’s a lulu.

            We also made a little video about pirates and the fantasy costuming they might inspire you to try out. Hope you enjoy!

DIY sex toy injury

         No matter how drunk they get, I know my readers are too smart to engage in dangerous buffoonery like this:  Woman Injured in Power Tool Sex Toy Encounter.
      My mom used to say that God protects the stupid (that's why there are so many of them) and while I know most people already know these things, I'd like to act as divine emissary and offer the following as the morals of this story, just in case you're ever tempted:
      - Do not DIY sex toys. There are professionals working tirelessly to make them safe, effective and fun. Trust them, ask questions and follow directions.
      - Do not ever make a sex toy out of anything with the word "saw" in it.
      - Just because George Clooney made his own sex toys in "Burn After Reading" doesn't mean that you can do it. There are a lot of things George Clooney can do that you can't. Besides, it was a fictional movie,  not a goddamn manual.
       - If you think you can't afford a sex toy with moving parts, look on the end of your arm. It's free, non-toxic, functional and not as hospital-rrific as something homemade that involves a power cord.
        I know it's not very nice to make sport of an injury like this and wish the woman a speedy recovery, but really: the body you have is the only one you get, so enjoy it, but keep it safe. If you want a craft project build a bird house. Leave the sex toys to the pros.
        (Thanks to my pal Margaret for forwarding this story!!!)

Cookers

            We love women who love food and a couple of culinary cuties have made news recently that psyched us up enough to share.

            First there’s Cat Cora (right), Food Network’s only Iron Chef, who is going to make a guest appearance at the Florida Film Festival  on March 28. Cat made headlines the other day when it was announced that she's pregnant - and so is her partner , Jen Cora, who is due in April. The girls already have two sons, both of whom are from the same donor as the current pregnancies and the ladies don’t know who was implanted with which embryo so they could be carrying each other’s biological kids.

            God, don’t you just love how there are no boundaries anymore? And isn’t this new-kind-of-family story such a refreshingly stable break from that ghastly octo-mom fracas?

            Before we lose our appetites with that thought, let’s turn to another hot cooker: Rachael Ray. Ray was recently interviewed by Nightline’s Cynthia McFadden on a variety of subjects, one of which was the racy photo shoot she once did for FHM, a lad mag that often features scantily clad young hotties. Ray agreed to pose for it, thinking it stood for “food” and  “home” or something.

            The pictures are hot, to say the least, and Ray (left) said she was 35 at the time and glad to show that the Every Woman she sees herself as could be part of something like this. “Among all these unattainable is somebody who’s very attainable mixed in and I like that. I was proud of that,” she said. When McFadden commented that she didn’t seem like she was someone who had regrets about anything Ray said she didn’t see the point, eventually wrapping up with “I think you should ask somebody who’s more unhappy.”

            God, don’t you just love that? In the age of so much You-a Culpa, judge-and-journalism it’s nice to see someone too self-possessed  - and let’s face it, too rich – to give a damn.

            Even if you cook in other rooms besides the kitchen there’s definitely some nice takeaway from these ladies.F

Monday quiz: Mainstream or adult mag?

            Monday quiz: Which of these titles are mainstream magazines and which are adult only? No fair looking them up online – for god’s sake, you can’t be that competitive this early in the week. OK – go!

            1. Nuts & Volts. 2. Transformation. 3. Smoke Signals 4. Backcountry. 5. Draculina. 6. Blonde Hair. 7. Wood. 8. Velvet. 9. Uncut. 10. Bestsellers.  

Answer Key:

Nuts & Volts: Mainstream.The go-to mag for electronics hobbyists. And with blog items like “help us name our robot,” probably as far away from sex as you’re likely to get today, even if you attend church.

Transformation: Adult. For the cross-dressing/transgender community and not some damn new age thing like you thought.

Smoke Signals: Adult. Online magazine for fetishists of female smoking. Blows rings round the competition.

Backcountry: Mainstream. It’s about skiing. It's all downhill..

Draculina: Adult. Description promises. explicit pics of B-list actresses.

Blonde Hair: Mainstream. “695 Haircuts You’ll Love!”  Can you even get that many haircuts in one lifetime? 

Wood: Mainstream. For woodworkers. Yeah, I know you’re a “wood worker,” ha-ha, clever-clever, but they mean it literally.

Velvet: Adult. Another textile, yes, but the description says “extremely explicit.”

Uncut: Mainstream. Music mag.

Bestsellers: Adult. OK, this was a bit of a trick as I think it might be out of print but still, who’da thunk it? 


So...howdja do? Whatever you came up with I bet you see the titles on the Barnes & Noble rack just a little differently next time. "Taste of the South" indeed. 

The Liberator

     When you think "boudior furniture" you probably think of those bachelor pads like Dudley Moore's in "Foul Play": at the push of a button you get red lighting, mood music and the  Ethan Allen couch turns into a rotating, circular bed.
      Transformers for adults - cool, I agree, but it doesn't have to be that complicated. In fact, a very simple, discreet piece called "The Liberator" got a lot of hype from the Coen Brotheres film "Burn After Reading"; I get to show it off in a bit more detail here courtesy of  Fairvlla Megastore. 
       Check it out! You may never look at your friends interestingly-shaped cushions the same way again.
(PS: In the video,  I mention Kate Winslet borrowing Harry Winston diamonds for the Oscars; I don't know if she really did or not, just figured all the leading ladies probably do and she was the first to come to mind. She's a pretty sexy babe, after all.)



The wedge from Liz Langley on Vimeo.

Liz story: Sex Ed Class

            Sex is natural…George Michael said it, so it must be true. But for a primal drive it sure does take a lot of time and practice to learn ways to enjoy it more and more (which can happen as you get older, believe it or not).

            After attending my first-ever adult sex ed class with guest lecturer Sheri Winston (pictured left) at the Florida School of Holistic Living I wrote this piece for alternet.org about attending how well worth it it is to take the step to learn something about what we often think should come naturally: 

If Sex is Natural Why are People So Bad At It?

  Hope you enjoy it!

Toy Talk: The We-Vibe

            One tries to avoid clichés like the mushrooms in ‘Centipede’ but sometimes you just have to do a shot and go for it. Like now. Just imagine me talking in my best entertainment reporter voice when I tell you this:

            The real Oscar buzz was in the gifting room this year with many lucky celebrities being recipients of the ground-breaking new sex toy, the We-Vibe.

            See? You can’t talk about vibrators and Academy Awards without saying “Oscar buzz” – I’m sure it’s right there in The AP Stylebook. But with out of the way let’s talk about the We-Vibe and how cool it is that sex toys have gone so openly Hollywood.

            The We-Vibe is a unique new sililcone vibrator in a flexible U-shape. It’s inserted to provide G-spot stimulation from the inside and clitoral stimulation from the outside and can be worn while you’re having sex with a partner or on your own. There’s an instructional video (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOnKvYLFE4k>))

 which offers good illustrations of how it works and includes tips like what position will let him share the buzz. You can get the We-Vibe locally at Fairvilla Megastore
and that position, by the way, is doggie style (thought I’d blow right by that, didn’t you?).

            The first time I ever remember seeing a sex toy mentioned in the movies was in “Parenthood” when Diane Weist’s vibrator is mistaken for a flashlight in a blackout. “She needs a man….now,” the grandmother says. It was a brilliantly funny scene, but I don’t toys remember toys being mentioned again until “Something About Mary” and I thought how cool it was that these things were coming out of the closet (or nightstand drawer). Then came “Sex and the City” blowing both doors and drawers off their hinges.

            For sex toys to be handed out at such a big event is a pretty spiffy progress report on the country’s sexual attitudes. Bruce Murison, inventor of the We-Vibe says the toys were well-received  by celebs and “The response was fantastic.”

            No dobut – who wouldn’t be happy to be gifted thus? I have never had someone hand me a free sex toy (it’s happened) and told them “No thanks, I’m full.”

            We’ll be talking more about the We-Vibe down the road because a) it’s cool, b) it’s Canadian and c) the video says you can wear them and no one will know. We’re anxious to guess who is. See? It’s already fun and you haven’t even opened the box. 

De-rousal TV

         When attempting to finger the cause of vaginal dryness blame is usually placed on low estrogen levels. Sometimes, though, I think certain TV commercials are responsible.

         We all get a little hot and bothered while the TV is on and when the mood strikes the last thing we think to reach for is the remote. Some ads, though, are so fatuous that they can cause a Hindenburg-esque deflation of libido, forcing you to break the mood and silence the tube. Here are five of them:

eHarmony. Some brazen tart promises her boyfriend “never to wear a flannel nightgown,” which passes for cheeky wit somewhere (the Wal-Mart parking lot? Nah, too sophisticated). Her boyfriend Oscar Wilde retorts “Can you make that just ‘I promise never to wear a nightgown?”

         This exhange is so mealy that if a roach nibbled the script, dollars to donuts he’d spit it out in the sink.

FreeCreditReport.com This one has that faux band that’s an irritating synthesis of Cake, Flight of the Conchords and a ball peen hammer hitting you in the face for 20 minutes.         

         Check out this fabulous Funny Spoof Song about this wretched thing. It might make you feel less like hurling a brick at the TV when the real ones come on.

Recreational Factory Warehouse   If I wanted to get yelled at I’d have joined the military.

         Actually this goes for all commercials that bellow at us like they’re  Bumble the Beadle and we’re Oliver Twist. Screaming is not a way to sell things. Screaming is what happens just before someone slams the door behind them and never comes back.

Glade  This one seems to have vanished since the holidays (but it still counts as bad). Some yuppie hausfrau has her friends over and in shame spiral over her gauche domestic candles says they are French. Her friends discover her ruse and sarcastically pronounce Glade as “Glah-Day. ” Every idiot in the room – which is to say all of them – laughs.

         When Sartre said “Hell is other people” he’d just had coffee with these women.

match.com Some fool describes herself as “just a goof looking for my ball,” and we’re supposed to be surprised that she can’t get a date? That’s because men like to be good and drunk before they feel the urge to vomit. Odious.