Skinny Dip / Rainy Romance

Now of course on the day I post a blog about the rain the sky is a perfectly clear Wedgewood blue. Nontheless, we in Central Florida have had a crazy amount of rain lately and all this

wetness made me want to tell you about a) the upcoming World’s Largest Skinny Dip event and b) the three best romance-in-the-rain moments in film (hint, above). Enjoy! And stay dry!

Fetish Shoe Fetish

THIS is what I’m talking about when I say I like a hot stud.

We discovered these spectacular Ellie pumps in the shoe department at Fairvilla Megastore in Orlando, “we” being myself and Sheree Sunkin, who not only modeled them (above) but was also  the winner of the guess-the-shoes competition we ran a couple of months back. In a video showing off some of Fairvilla’s footwear and I offered an FU (Fairvilla University) t-shirt to the first person who guessed which ones I liked so much that I bought them for myself. Most of you guessed the silver disco boots: fair enough, It's common knowledge that I like to wiggle my butt on the dance floor or anywhere else there’s room, but nope! It was the long, leggy, yes-I-can-walk-in-them boots – also by Ellie (pictured above left; I should just go live at their factory) - that were my must-have.

       In addition to the above pumps Fairvilla also has tsome new gladiator-style sandals, new glam shoes and dresses to go with them, so slap your old shoes on and come check out some new ones...that aren't made for walkin'. 

My "Best Sex Ed Scenes in Film" video tops 10,000 views!!!

Dja ever get that feeling you're being watched? A LOT?

I'm so so proud! One of my YouTube videos, "Top 5 Sex Ed Scenes in Film" has gotten over 10,000 views as of this week The name of the blog has changed but even then it featured cute costuming from Fairvilla Megastore (since then I've grown a pair and actually started wearing the Fairvilla costumes as in  Top 5 Human/Alien Hook-Ups and the forthcoming "5 Sexiest Captains in Movies").

The video was shot by Jim DeSantis of the fabulous cult film podcast Movie Brain Rot and you can see the work of Orlando artist Lani Brito in the backgorund. I'm so pleased I wanted to run it again, so here it is, hope you enjoy it, check out the others on YouTube and be on the look out for more! xoxoxox

MSF: You Irritate Me So

My Brooklyn soulmate Jim and I were discussing the late great  Nancy Walker nad just days later I discovered a weird, hidden jewel: Nancy Walker’s album “I Hate Men,”  posted on the blog of NY/NJ’s WFMU . Click and listen to Ms. Walker's bitter, hilarious, thoroughly vintage tunes like “You Irritate Me So.” about her less-than-stellar love life. I’m no man-hater (God, the trouble it would save me if I was) but Walker’s caustic comedy is a retro-treasure. This one’s for Jim: now he can’t say I never gave him anything but headaches.

Video: Loving the Alien

Since "Star Trek" is all anyone's talking about and since I found the perfect intergalactic bustier in the fetish department at Fairvilla Megastore we decided to talk about the 5 Best Interspecies Human/Alien Love/Sex relationships in film and TV. Guess where the green alien Star Trek chicks fit in?

Porn Farr: "This Ain't Star Trek XXX"

       If you’re making a porn film and riffing on anything sci-fi it would be pretty easy to go with the female alien asking something like “Why does the human male reproductive organ not respond to gravity like most things on earth?”

       Hustler’s "This Ain't Star Trek XXX" gets credit for avoiding this obvious route and having a plot, one that centers on the most famous of all Trekkie story lines: Khan (a plushie version with the Tribbles would have been fun, too…eh, next time.)

       Khan (Nick Manning) puts a virus into the ship's air ducts that proves lethal unless the victim experiences a sudden surge of endorphins, i.e., an orgasm. (Anthrax, shmanthrax…why can’t any of those germ warfare nutcases come up with this?) but the crew doesn’t wait around for this cue to start having sex. Current Soderbergh It-Girl Sasha Gray plays a Vulcan going through pon farr, the blood fever that makes them crazily horny; thank God Kirk can help her out! The captain is played by  "Pirates XXX" swash-unbuckler Evan Stone (with short hair no less!) who seems to be doing a fien Shatner, though co-writer Roger Krypton told io9.com that Stone is not really impersonating the actor – that he has a natural “cadence and dramatic flair,” that evoke the original Captain (check out our 'Pirate Booty' treatise on the films here). Whatever the case, he’s a likeable actor and enhances everything he’s in (no pun intended, srsly).

        Tony DeSergio plays Spock with a remarkable blankness during sex which would be a fault except that he’s a Vulcan so it’s spot-on (a wonderfully expressive Miss Gray doesn’t follow the same method). Points, too, for his super-nasty use of the Vulcan “V” hand signal during the act. As for Khan, yes, he’s an intense character but Nick Manning’s ferocity is, well…a bit over the top, even for the genre. You should never seriously wonder if an actors’ head is going to blow off unless you’re watching "Scanners". 

       “This Ain’t Star Trek XXX” is parody but first and foremost, it’s porn; if you’re looking to get a nerd boner over CGI you could rent “Pirates XXX” or go see the awesome “Star Trek” currently in theaters. Dammit, Jim, these are porn stars, not FX specialists! And they do the jobs they are meant to do.

       Fairvilla Megastore  is getting these parodies in almost as fast as film companies can make them and I’ll likely be checking out more in the next few weeks – I’ll watch the plots so you don’t have to. J

Masturbation Champion of the World

   It isn’t me.

     A few posts ago we talked about the Masturbate-a-thon at the Center for Sex and Culture in San Francisco and this week FuzzyDave of Fuzzytopia alerted us to that Masanobu Sato of Japan shot down the competition with a 9 hour, 58 minute self-gratification marathon. Being the most accomplished jack-off of all is a wonderfully ironic honor, but Masanobu acknowledges that he wasn’t entirely on his own – he was helped along by products from Tenga, the adult toy company he works for that makes products for men. He also acknowledged that universally beloved of all sex aids – imagination.

     Masanobu is demurring from going to the next Masturbate-a-thon which takes place in Copenhagen on May 31 (if someone ponies up for my ticket and hotels I'd do it just for the trip – I’m pinin’ for the fjords ). He says he’s exhausted and who can blame him. Ten hours is a long time. Do you suppose he’ll end up with carpal tunnel?

     Makes you wonder how many wankers you ever met that blamed that affliction on a keyboard, dunnit?

Toy Talk: Go, Go, Gadget, Go!

       When cultural sages tell us to be open to new experiences battery-operated underwear probably isn’t what they had in mind.

       Had I not had an open attitude, however, I never would have discovered what must be the most giggle-inducing invention since the feather, my new favorite non-chemical high (next to love itself) The Power Gem. 

       My decision to buy a wearable vibrator was sheer impulse (impulse being defined here as ‘two strong Bloody Marys’). It was economic conservatism that made me choose the Power Gem which, at $20.99, was the most inexpensive wearable vibe at Fairvilla Megastore . Instead of staying secure by means of straps the Power Gem is locked in place with a magnet, with the vibe part inside the panties and the magnet part on the outside. It’s made by California Exotics (which has an excellent rep) and the magnet is pretty piece of costume  jewely – a faux gemstone shaped like a heart.

       Cute, right? Right! Cute on the outside but full of powerful magic. Like Yoda. But prettier.

       I decided to try it out the thing out when I was in less-than-stellar mood…bitchy as a wet cat, actually…and felt like I got my money’s worth in the first three minutes. Not only did gloom disappear in the time it takes to flip a light switch, but also I couldn’t stop giggling. The tiny object is the greatest natural mood enhancer since the giant check.

       As for wearing it out in public I wouldn’t drive or even converse with the thing on, mainly because it works. The distraction would be far too great, much more so than a cell phone (no one you know says anything as interesting as bzzzzzzzzzzzz). Also the package says its ‘quiet and discreet’ but I felt it was a bit too noticeable – like there was a 10 pound mosquito following me around. It’s certainly wearable – that magnet holds very securely – and you could probably get away with it in a noisy locale, like the subway, a restaurant with bad acoustics or the floor of the NYSE.

       Bottom line the Power Gem is an exquisite non-chemical mood elevator and while it’s easy to appreciate it on its own I can see it coming in useful for little in-home jobs you don’t feel like doing, i.e., cleaning, budgeting, walking the dog. If you’ve never tried a wearable vibe I highly recommend it – they have quite an impressive variety at Fairvilla and the money you would spend on some other mood-changer (i.e. cocktails, chocolate, massage) will be gone. This will be there when you need it. Plus it’s waterproof and though it takes those little watch batteries it comes with an extra set, so you should be good for at least awhile.

       Now I have to go. For some reason I can’t wait to walk the dog. 

Monday, short and funny: Zazoo

Nothing I could say could enhance this French TV commercial.

Just watch.

Video: Tear it Up

         "She's filled with secrets."

         That's what the midget said about Laura Palmer and it's true of me, too (there are worse things one could be filled with). I did hold out a few tips when we did  '5 Things to Do for Cheap or Free to Notch Up Your Love Life' and this is one of them, the world’s simplest method for making DIY lingerie – or maybe it’s anti-lingerie. In any event, it's DIY tear-away, just like in the movies, but cheap. I was wearing something under my t-shirt; when YOU guys and dolls try this tip, you shouldn’t be.

I made this myself using iMovie, which tried more than once to Gaslight me. My thanks to @MotorbikeMatt , @MovieBrainRot  and mostly  Chas  for talking me out of turning my MacBook into a Frisbee. The dress is from the Coquette Darque collection at Fairvilla Megastore 

Love, Early American Style

       What’s the last thing you’d expect to turn up on a sex and relationships blog? What seems like the opposite of sex? Is it death? Bowling? Garfield?

       Nope. It’s Puritans. The above examples might be quite sexless but they’ve got nothing on our national ancestors who often feel like the human embodiment of the cold shower. What with the buckle hats, the Bible-thumping, and the distance and image we have of them, it’s hard to imagine how they ever begat any little Puritans.

       The engaging, pop culture history book "The Wordy Shipmates" by author and frequent NPR contributor Sarah Vowell (which I listened to on audio book), humanizes our black-clad founders and gives them some most of us may never think of them as having. Vowell doesn’t look away from their tragic history or flawed perceptions but she does make them seem more like people with varied ideas, hopes, sorrows and noble aspirations than the monolithic zealots of “The Crucible.” 

       And nothing brings warmth and depth to a people more than their desire for sex. No, Vowell doesn’t reveal that there was a Puritan Plato’s retreat, but at time she does show that the Puritans weren’t the bonneted icebergs they might seem. My favorite of these, because it’s so unexpected, is where Vowel describes some feisty Puritan women who took action when they weren’t getting any action:

       “The United States is often called a Puritan Nation, which is a lazy way of saying Americans are sexually repressed…but the Puritans were actually quite gung-ho about sexual intercourse for married couples because they believed God came up with it. In fact, a handful of Colonial New England women successfully sued for divorce on the grounds of impotence, including Ann Lane of Massachusetts Bay who accused her husband, in 1658, of ‘failing to perform the duties of a husband,’ a detail not disputed by Mr. Lane.”

       Mr. Lane may have had his reasons, but nonetheless, it puts a new spin on the image of the Puritan woman and makes her – of all things – a woman. And while the specification “for married couples,” obviously straight ones, may rankle us today, it’s a nice thought that within their own context our God-fearing foremoms could be demanding, healthy, horny little devils. 

Toy Talk: Silicone

       Vinnie’s headed for my face with the Cal Exotics Impulse 3 Way Micro Arouser (right) when I turn the tables by touching the tip of my own nose before he can do it, like someone taking a sobriety test.

       “You’ve done this before,” he says, and indeed I have. The tip of your nose is extremely sensitive so it’s a good spot on which to do an in-store test of any vibrator you’re considering, a principal he was about to demonstrate.  If you can take it on the tip you can take it elsewhere.

       Vinnie is a manager at the Cape Canaveral branch of www.fairvilla.com where I’ve popped in to see what’s up in the toy department. His first and foremost advice for vibe shoppers is one word: silicone.

     “When you’re dealing with sex and insertion (your and your partner’s) health should be the number one concern,” Vinnie says, citing the benefits of this hypoallergenic, easily-cleaned material. The last thing anyone experimenting with toys wants is a bad reaction due to a skin sensitivity or allergy; one bad experience could make them shy away from further forays into a world of pleasure. Silicone is sometimes a little pricier, but it gives you peace of mind about that so you can focus on the fun stuff.       

       Bearing this in mind, you should never hesitate to ask a sales associate “What’s this thing made of?” Vinnie points out that some items don’t give this information on the package, not a good thing for people with skin sensitivities and allergies who would really benefit from just a few simple words. Adult stores are also far more conscious since alarm bells have been raised over phthalates, a chemical used in some plastics and which has shown to be harmful to animals (studies have not been done yet on humans). Pthalate-free is now a sex industry buzz word (oh, pun so intended) so no sales associate will be surprised if you ask about a toy’s make-up.

       Because silicone is hypoallergenic it just seems like an easy way to avoid any itchy doubt, but what you really, really want to do is ask a sales associate what toy will suit your needs. Seriously. I stopped in to say Hello in the Cape Canaveral store and ended up with an hour later with shopping and  to-do lists of products, ideas and information. This is what these folks are here for - they won’t be surprised that you like sex and want to enjoy it in new ways with new props.

       If you’re lucky you’ll find someone like Vinnie whose mission is to help you figure out what’s too strong, too weak, just right and perfectly comfortable.

       “Safe sex is better sex,” Vinnie says, and silicone frees your mind to focus on new avenues of pleasure.

       You can take this as quality advice from a guy who knows how to be charming about holding a vibrator up to your face the first time he meets you and makes it feel like a thoughtful gesture…because that’s exactly what it is.  

Hobosexuality; it's not gayness with a cold

     At first I thought it was a joke – a website dedicated to dirty pictures of dirty old men – literally dirty, guys who look like rough trade extras from “The Road Warrior,” like Walt Whitman if you left him in the outback for a few days with only a skinful of whiskey and a couple-a Zagnuts.

       Then I clicked onto Hobofoot,  entered the site, saw the swinging dong and the naked truckers and the number of pay sites dedicated to the sexual appeal of “old outlaws and drifter types,” “hard living men, bear-assed and holy” and “naked old tramps” and realized “Wow… what a judgemental cow I am,” to think it was a joke. It's just a preference after all, more or less a matter of  preferring Alan Arkin to Greg Kinnear in "Little Miss Sunshine" (maybe with a little less bathing). That which pulls us thither by the hips is magically varied, so it shouldn't have been that surprising that some people want to see bum's bums. 

         The guys on Hobofoot (I didn't go to the pay sites, just the front pages) look kind of like a mash up of the Bear culture matured and seniors day at Bike Week (as opposed to actual love among homeless men.) . They're not really all hobos, nor are they all criminals, though I did read something recently on that subject that seems worth sharing. In "The Big Penis Book" Dian Hanson interviewed photographer David Hurles who offered this epiphany: “Would a person appeal to me more if I thought he were straight? Yes, I have to say so. And if he’d been to prison you certainly want to add ten extra points for that. I came to realize I was attracted to sociopaths.”

        Love it or puzzle over it, you have to to admire the self-knowledge of it.

        So, bottom line: I might not want to imagine Albus Dumbledore drinking PBR in a big leather swing but it's kind of brilliant that someone else would. Dirty old men really do need love, too. It's nice to know that some people will pay to watch them get it.

Rock the Monkey

      It’s good to know that after many years of writing about everything from furries (here's my friend Lux Alptraum of Boinkology explaining that)  to teledildonics (here's me explaining that)  to penis piñatas (that's just what it sounds like) that I’m not  be immune to the giggles. Meet the Monkey Rocker. 

       The Monkey Rocker and the Monkey Rocker tango are brilliant new sex toys we found at the Fairvilla Megastore in Key West, and while I was attracted to their silliness at first, I discovered they had a lot more to offer than laughs (that’s my pattern with people, too). Sanders, a sales associate at the Key West store enumerates the charms of this durable, multi-faceted work of art (while I lament my maxed out credit cards) in our latest video. Enjoy!

Fishy waters

          If you’ve decided to go off your birth control pills do the fish a favor and don’t flush the leftovers down the loo.

         A Washington Post story by Susan Q. Stranahan says that small amounts of 100 pharmaceuticals have turned up in America’s water. Currently they're not seen as a threat, but an EPA water chief with the fab name of Benjamin Grumbles has said “there’s still uncertainty about their potential effects on public health and aquatic life,” in the long term.”Get this: “Hormone-disrupting pharmaceuticals,*" Stranahan writes, are a possible cause of  of “intersex” fish in the Potomac River basin: male smallmouth bass producing eggs, females exhibiting male characteristics." Nothing against gender-bending fish, but shouldn't sex changes be on a voluntary basis?

        I realize it says “one possible cause” so it's unproven, but the idea of drinking Viagra in my coffee makes me feel pretty icky; icky enough to make more coffee and hope there's Xanex in it. 

        The federal government formerly recommended flushing old meds or mixing them with something nasty, like cat litter and  putting them in the trash. The Office of National Drug Control Policy recently changed its advice to avoid flushing drugs and use either the cat litter method or to utilized local drug take-back programs.

*which my wonderful Publix pharmacist told me could mean estrogen, progesterone, testosterone, any hormone at all.

We're Not Number One!

     Long before anyone ever heard of butterfly ballots, Floridians were used to living in a punchline. The warm, moist wang of America has always seemed to invite an eccentric brand of trouble and whenever we hear a weird headline - plagues of snakes, gorilla skulls for sale, "Pregnant cougar turns herself in after escape" (wasn't me) we wince and wonder if it's us. It usually is. We don't have our own category on Fark.com for nothing.
     So it's a banner day to come across a news story in which, in some way, we aren't the class fuck-up. 
     Cue the Las Vegas Sun's "One Nation, Seven Sins" by Abigail Goldman in which geographers from Kansas State University mapped which parts of the country were the most and the least afflicted with anger, lust, gluttony, pride, sloth, greed and envy (yes, we imagine they did get paid). Wrath is calculated by the number of violent crimes reported to the FBI per capita while envy by the number of thefts; gluttony by the number of fast food joints per capita, that sort of thing. "This is a precision party trick — rigorous mapping of ridiculous data," writes Goodman.
     And while her story focuses primarly on Nevada, it links to a national picture of "hot spots" with the sinniest of us all highlighted in angry, envious, lustful red. Shockingly it's not always us. Florida actually comes up smelling like a rose in three categories: lust, gluttony and sloth. 
     Lust (left, as played by Raquel Welch in "Bedazzled" 1967) was calculated by a places STD rate; sloth by comparing rates of employment with expenditures on entertainment. The worst offenders on the lust map were the Southern states - with the exception of a dirty Panhandle, Florida comes off clean as a whistle. There's very little sloth in America in general - none in Florida. None. As far as gluttony there are a few nationwide blemishes in parts of Texas, North Carolina and Virginia, but most of the country, Florida included, appears to be fat free. 
         If you asked me to describe Florida in two words "virtuous" and "industrious" probably wouldn't have made the list (I'm not surprised that we escaped the gluttony circle of Hell, though; in a hot climate in which you wear as little as the public can stand you in, you are, if not fit, at least conscious of trying to be). I'm proud of us for being hard working but prouder still that we are sexually responsible enough NOT to be one of the angry, red, itchy, sore looking blotches on the Lust map. Way to go Florida! We're not number one!!! Let's try to stay that way.
          You will be kind enough not to notice that on the maps of wrath, pride, envy we're as red as a baboon's ass. We're also pretty damned, greedy, (except for in the lustful Panhandle).
          But let's not dwell on the negative right now. It won't be long before we see ourselves in headlines underscoring all those things, not to mention a few hundred pounds of missing ammonium nitrate, human skulls in people's luggage and who knows what else. Sigh. Home. Sweet, crazy-ass home. 


     

The Love Glove

       Use the word “massager” within ten feet of a sex toy and you’ll get a lot of sneering giggles, and rightly so. Like “monthly gift” it’s one of those euphemisms that just exaggerates what you’re talking about more than if you just said “vibrator.”

       And yet, some buzzy objects that carry the tag “massager” actually work for – who’da thunkit? – massage.

       The Fukuoku Massage Glove (pronounce that FOO-koo-OH-koo) is one of those lovely surprises. It’s a waterproof, multi-speed lycra glove with a battery pack holding only three AAA’s but packing a wallop of relaxation at 45,000 vibrations per minute. Up in the ‘try before you buy’ department at Fairvilla Megastore I tested out the Fukuoku on my shoulder and proof of its power is that I don’t remember when or with whom this happened - I just recall my knees turning to Jell-O and being amazed at how badly you can need something without knowing it. I had no idea I was tense until feeling 45,000 pulses of “Relax.”

       Actually, I envision the glove not just as a personal joy but an instrument of peace. You know that Vulcan pinchy move that Spock uses to subdue his foes? I think you might be able to actually accomplish this with the Fukuoku. Someone giving you shit at a staff meeting? Pesty drunk at happy hour? Friends nagging you to go see the new “Star Trek”?  Give ‘em a touch on the shoulder – bet they go from a quarrelsome douche nozzle to a dog getting a belly rub in about 3,000 vibrations.

       In this multi-tasking world it’s important to have more than one skill and thought I don't own a Fukuoku myself (yet) I love the thought of it as a personal massager and tool of diplomacy. What a beautiful world this would be if we could all meet aggression with love. And, of course, voltage.  

Air Sex World Championship

 

      Funny how the arts evolve, isn’t it? Mimes are barely tolerated in their old format, but put the word “air” in front of an activity and it truly becomes a fun, innovative, crowd-pleaser, as far “mime” as you can get. Replace the tired activities of mimes and replace it with something everyone wants to do and mime has undergone an evolution very like the Pony Express turning into Twitter.

       If you thought air guitar was brilliant you owe it to yourself to check out the Air Sex World Championships . The idea originated in Japan, but Tim League of the Alamo Drafthouse in Austin, TX, brought the concept to Austin and is about to turn it loose on the rest of America. Tour dates of 15 cities are scheduled to determine the next Air Sex Champion.

        Those who are interested in competing should note – this is not just writhing around on the ground or pumping your pelvis into the universal void. Some of the contenders have stories, costumes, serious mime narrative (well, maybe not serious) and thought-out concepts, so creativity, as well as sexiness and a certain amount of athleticism is a must. Just like the real thing – you gotta put some style into it.

       May is Masturbation month, and though Air Sex is not exactly masturbation it’s certainly about the safest sex you can have - you’re not even touching yourself, fergodssake. With that and the entertainment value in mind we’re encouraging it and hope a lot of you will get to practicing. Though, come to think of it, there’s probably plenty of practice going on – even among people who have no idea there’s even a competition.

Bed Race Video!

How can you be homesick for a place you were only in for five days? If the place is Key West, it's easy. We've been home for less than a week and while I never thought I'd become any kind of Republican, I think I could be a Conch Republican for sure one of these days.
     At any rate, we had a blast at The Red Rubbon Bed Race in support of AIDS Help, sponsored by Fairvilla Megastore on Front Street here in Key West. I wrote a blog about it a few days ago ("A Day at the Races" ) but Matthew Reyes' awesome video really brings the whole thing to life (especially those silver-clad drag queens I fell head over supersized-heels with). 
Check out the video! And see if it doesn't have you starting to desing YOUR bed race bed for next year. You want an excuse to go to Key West. You know you do. 

Personalized Flyers! Soooopah Genius!

Ta-da!!! My fabulous new flyers are here! You know how I love everything to be as personal as possible, so I designed these to promote the blog but also connect one-on-one with my lovely readers (that's you - give yourself a big kiss!) If you want a card with a personal message, send me your address - you can find me on Facebook, @LizLangley on Twitter or at langley.liz@gmail.com. Thank you to Miriam Lorenzi for the great photo and to Doug Rhodehamel for doing the layout (you can find them both among my friends on Facebook). These will also be available around town soon at  Farivilla Megastore, Enzian Theater and some of my other favorites places about town (watch for updates). Hope you like them - see you out there soon!