...eating sushi off of nude models...

Among many other vendors, Wazzabi sushi in Winter Park provided this lavish human buffet, which I hovered around like I had a crush on the tuna. I learned a great truth here: you know you have moved from vigorous youth to comfortable mid-life when there's a gorgeous man laying mostly naked on a table in front of you covered in sushi and you're all about the sushi, providing witty comments like 'Yeah, he's very handsome. Is that yellowtail?" and keeping an eye on how much salmon is left.

       

Elizabeth, the lovely young woman pictured, said when questioned that bathroom breaks were not a problem for her - she didn't think about it, plus the sushi was getting hoovered up so fast it would be easy for her to get up any second now (possible second sign of age: considering what it's like to be a human sushi boat and having toilet access be first consideration). 

(Photos by Liz Langley and Estrella Serena)

Bigger Love: Review of "More to Love"

I hate admitting that the commercial got me, but it did. It went something like “The average woman in America is a size 14. The average woman on a reality show is a size 2. This is reality?”

       Interesting, especially because in re-reading that sentence, I know I'm way closer to "America" than I am to "reality." Enter “More to Love” a new Fox reality show that’s essentially a supersized version of "The Bachelor," "Rock of Love," or any reality dating show where a bunch of women vye for the affection man they’ve just met as though their world is the Titanic and he’s the last lifeboat. The only difference is that here that everyone is a bigger size than you normally see on TV: the prize, Luke, is a  26 year-old cutie who weighs in at 330 pounds. 
     Here and elsewhere I keep hearing folks who aren't skinny described as "real," a linguistic fad I find unfair and inaccurate. Skinny people are just as real as everyone else; I have yet to meet someone with such a low body weight that they could be deemed imaginary. It’s wrong to dismiss people as non-existent just because they’ve escaped the ill effects of pie. 

       Anyway, I don’t watch much reality TV but I kind of liked the point the ad made and thought this might provide a different spin.

       It didn’t. Expecting a different spin from a reality show is like opening a can of Pringles and expecting one to be shaped like a star fish. Just like other reality dating shows, the theme music hadn’t even faded before it felt as cheap and cheesey as movie theater nachos. The participants are a little more likeable and some are outright stunning, but in the long run it's just a bunch of women fighting for the good opinion of a man they don't even know. It’s kind of like watching those people who would dress up like dolls or clowns or cavemen on "Let’s Make a Deal" and put themselves in a tizzy to win whatever was behind curtain number two. They were so sure it was a car they never thought it might be a donkey.  
        Actually this seems a lot worse.

       Not that Luke is a donkey: he's probably a perfectly nice guy but the circus atmosphere of these shows just makes the sadness of thwarted hearts feel even sadder. On this show there seemed to be more crying than usual - and this was the first episode. It's certainly heart-breaking and a poor reflection on the men these women have met that some of them have never had a single date. If “More to Love” accomplishes anything hopefully it will wake the world up to the fact that some guys like a girl with an ass like a couple of throw pillows. If they didn't I’d still be a virgin. 
        I just wish this revelation could overtake America without so many people being so willing to exploit their own misery for their 15 minutes and our entertainment, which I'm well aware is the nature of all dating reality shows. I know watching people be hurt and humiliated is fashionable right now but I can't take it. Like the greatest moments in love, the worst ones should be private. Am I taking a piddling  TV zeitgeist too seriously? Maybe. But seeing people willingly throw their hearts out in these crazy games of emotional Beer Pong gives me the same brand of the creeps I get when I see a bear on a bicycle - something that wild, beautiful and dangerous just shouldn't be a sideshow. 
      I hope every last participants of every reality dating show finds their one-and-only true love and lives ever-after just like Cinderella (presumably). The world is better when people are happy. But I won't see it. I will have long switched the TV back over to Cartoon Network where my tuner belongs. At least there everything is supposed to be completely crazy. 

(Above artwork: Picnic in the Mountains, by Fernando Botero)

Pirate Style

In any other city in America, dressing up in a frilly shirt and brocade jacket means you're Prince. In Key West it probably just means it's happy hour. This is a town that takes its pirate heritage seriously - the trash cans even say "Gaarrrrrrbage" on them and while I've been trying to save this for a special occasion because that's what you do with your spiffiest clothes, Key West has been on my mind lately and so I wanted to show off this video of some of the dazzling pirate wear on offer at Fairvilla Megastore on Key West's Front Street. We are not talking chintzy eyepatches and felt tricorn hats here - this is theatrical costuming that would even impress members of the SCA . So without further ado I'm going to let you see for yourself and let store supervisor Billy tell you all about it. And remember - it's never too early to start practicing for September 19 - Talk Like a Pirate Day. Enjoy!

Liz story: on Alternet: How Vibrators came out of the Closet

 A recent study shows that vibrator use by both men and women has made quite a leap in recent years - how did they go from shameful secrets to cagey "massagers" to the stuff of pop culture chit chat? Check out my story on alternet.org today for an interesting bit of the history of women and technology: The Joy of Sex Toys.

While you're there on Alternet set a spell and take a look around: it's such an excellent site, one which I've been lucky enough to have been writing for for about seven years and which I think puts out some of the most well-written, provocative pieces on the web, or in print, for that matter. If you like what you see, sign up to get their headlines delivered daily. I know we're all afflicated with too-much-information - but most of us are also afflicted with not-enough-good-information. Alternet can help. 

Follow-up: Stormy Daniels at Fairvilla

       It isn’t every day you get an adult film star and a potential politician in the same place where either one will be willing to admit to it. Last Thursday, however, Fairvilla Megastore hosted Stormy Daniels , winner of numerous awards for both her on- and offscreen directorial work in numerous adult productions and possible candidate for Louisiana State Senate, who was on hand to promote her latest film "Operation Tropical Stormy" (check out the trailer here). This politics business wasn’t Stormy’s idea – she was drafted by a fan but decided she would at least go on a listening tour of the state and see what was on people’s minds.

       Stormy spoke with me a after the event about her possible Senate run, saying mostly what she’s heard on her listening tour is how much people dislike David Vitter , the current Louisiana State Senator and family-values candidate whose phone number turned up on a list of callers to a DC madam. Taxes, health care and the rebuilding of New Orleans are other things on people’s minds, but so are those elephant-in-the-room issues, like gay marriage and abortion. Of the former, she's an equal-righs advocate, saying “I think there are much more important things to worry about than two people getting a piece of paper.” As for abortion, she is pro-chocie, but answers the question more irrefutable logic:

       “I’m pro-condom,” she says.

       Her upcoming film, she says, is going to be all about fairies – not that kind, silly, the Tinkerbell kind. Since we love fairies of every description and since discovering that porn and CGI go together like ice cream and more ice cream, we’re looking forward to checking it out and wish her all the best.  

Video look at Evolved Novelties

     Yesterday I had the pleasure of getting better acquainted Evolved Novelties when owner Greg was on hand at FFU (Fairvilla University) day to talk about some of the elements his one year-old company specializes in. I'll be talking more about Evolved  in upcoming posts but wanted to give you a little video look at a few of the things Greg cites as being customer favorites - the stuff he gets the best feedback on.
      One thing he mentions that I'd like to elaborate on is the velvet finish on the Bottle Rocket, a small, hard plastic vibrator.  It's really hard to do this texture justice  - yes, it's a velvet finish, but the feeling is remarkably silk and soft; it almost feels pre-lubricated. You just have to come in and cop a feel on it yourself.
      Greg is doing a little speed-talking here (I believe I did say "Oh, it'll just take 30 seconds!" so he might have felt a bit rushed) but I really appreciate his showing off the stuff the customers love and have included a transcript below in case there's anything you didn't catch (the sound is low, but the products look so beautiful, I wanted you to see):

“Hi I’m Greg from Evolved Novelties and I wanted to take a moment to tell you about some of our new toys. This is the Bottle Rocket - you can see it’s displayed in little bottles, it comes in a little bottle. All of our toys come in a nice storage device. It’s a one-speed hard-plastic vibrator with a velvet finish on it; 

that’s the Bottle Rocket.

         And the next thing Iwant to show you is that all of our toys come with discreet packaging. If you take the toy out of the package and flip the liner over and put the toy back inside like this you put it in 

here and put the lid back and you have a discreet packaged toy that’s hygienic, it keeps your toy clean, 

it’s hygienic this way and gives a nice storage thing for your toy so that’s the other thing.

     And the last thing I want to talk about is our Slenders, it’s a narrow toy, very bendable, it’s three speeds and people really like that. I’m Greg from Evolved Novelties and thanks so much!”

Thank you. Come check them out soon!

Nice Day for a Weird Wedding

       Like Elvis sang, “I’m not the marrying kind,” or at least historically I haven’t been. I am, however, a soaring romantic and if others people's hearts are made to flutter by casting their emotions in cement, then bring on the $543 cake and the $20 champagne. I still think I should get a shower with presents for having avoided divorce all these years, but I also think that Dr. Ruth should be the surgeon general, so I’m always braced for cultural disappoiontment.

       On to cheerier things: impossibly cute marriages now seem to be coming in threes. Second runner up for cutest wedding of the week are the two Kelly Hildebrandts who met on Facebook and found that having the same exact name was indeed the basis for love (you can invent your own variation of the go-fuck-yourself joke here – you can bet all their friends have). They Hildebrandts will become the Hildebrandts in October.

       Next-cutest wedding of the week were two frogs who were wed in a ceremony in India in a ceremony in India involving 3000 villagers, in honor of an ancient belief that a blessed union of toads will appease the rain god and help bring monsoon rains to areas that are facing terrible drought. Couldn't hurt, right? (spiffy video here) The frogs were presumably a boy frog and a girl from because two same sex frogs marrying, well, that’d just be wrong.

       The cutest of all this weeks weddings, however, involved both sleigh bells and wedding bells when two elves at the World Santa Claus Congress 2009 tied the knot in a ceremony at the annual event in Copenhagen were Santas from all over the world come to discuss important things like weight requirements and chimney size. The pressing issues of the day were set aside when Rune Hamreth Hansen and Sine Anderson were wed at the 52 year-old annual Christmas-in-summer gathering.

       “They are so beautiful,” said Paradise Yamamoto, a Santa from Tokyo.” So writes the AP’s Jan Olsen, reporting on the nuptuals. 
        Now I ask you: who needs presents? just knowing that there is a Santa from Tokyo named Paradise Yamamoto is going to make me happy for longer than Britney Spears was married to Jason Alexander.

Liz Story on Alternet: Nudism is the Way to Go

On July 11 nudists all over north America gathered to strip away their daily cares, inhibitions and Hanes-Her-Ways to make the book of Guinness World Records for the most number of people swimming naked at the same time - and I was one of them. I didn't start the story as a nudist but now, well, let's just say I thought about spending money on a bathing suit yesterday and didn't.
The full story, Stick It To Your Puritan Forebears by Stripping Down is on Alternet today and I think it's the best thing I've written in a long time. Pass it on to your friends, post it on your sites, and give it all the clicks you can (clicks like applause and beatnick finger snaps now, right?) It'll make you want to strip down yourself - though I recommending going somewhere like Cypress Cove first (casual office attire is not typically that casual). ENJOY!
Photo by Miriam Lorenzi @ www.miriphoto.com
(PS: Toy Talk, which usually runs on Tuesday, will be back later in the week).

Need a broader vocabulary? Absolutely

     “Yes, yes, yes!” is a large part of the dialog one hears in many adult films, and if my guess is correct, that cliché is largely drawn from real life. But what if writers, stars and the rest of us started getting more definite and trend in our affirmations and saying “Absolutely! Absolutely! Absolutely!”

         It speaks loudly about my little world that that’s the first thing I thought of when I read excellent story by John Blake from CNN, who is fed up to the back teeth of the word “Absolutely.” You hear it everywhere, he says (and the possible origins of this trend are pretty interesting) and it’s got to stop.

         Our tendency to work a word to death is the reason Lake Superior State University produces its Banished Words List every year, a confinement area for those terms it’s thoroughly sick of. “Green,” “maverick,” and “not so much” made this year’s list and both CNN and Lake Superior are looking for your comments so click the stories to contribute.

         As I writer I try to keep my phraseology as colorful as a cartoon. As a speaker, though, I’m guilty of everything being “amazing” and “awesome,” despite abundance of words available– splendid, fabulous, momentous, spectacular, stellar, spiffy, groovy, juicy, luscious, ginormous, excellent, terrific, exciting, thrilling, good, double plus good, extra good – to denote high quality. I’ll try to do better.

         This exercise, though, did make me realize my little world must be a good one if the only terms I overuse are such high-ranking superlatives. In fact that’s a……the bee’s knees.

Summer Stormy

When they say that politics is dirty they usually don't mean it in the good way that you or I 
or anyone else reading this blog might mean it.
It could, however, if adult film star Stormy Daniels decides to run for Louisiana State Senate. Prompted by a fan who started a Draft Stormy campaign, the political independant has gone on a listening tour of Louisiana and told the Shreveport Times earlier this month "What I want people to bring away from it is just because you're a woman and a blonde and you're considered to be a sex symbol, you're not an idiot just because you enjoy sex. I am a person, I do have ideas and thoughts and there's more to me than people probably would think."
       You can come meet the film star / potential candidate this Thursday, Juy 23 at Fairvilla Megastore in Orlando or Friday July 24 at Fairvilla's Cape Canaveral at the "Get Wet with Stormy Daniels" events. Stormy will be on hand to autograph copies of her latest film "Operation Tropical Storm" (trailer for "Operation Desert Stormy" above - do watch for Ron Jeremy in a turban; below, The Young Turks talk about Stormy's candidacy) store.
     BONUS: While you're at it you can pick up some excellent tips on getting wet yourself at Fairvilla University with the skinny on new products from Sex in the Shower, Watersports and Evolve Novelties. It's waaaaaaaaaaaaay too hot this summer not to jump into the water and make it count. Hope to see you there!

The Naked Truth

       Tada!!!!

       The day finally arrived, the day I’d been so happily gearing up for, the day that the Guinness World Record Organization would tally the number of people swimming naked at nudist resorts all over North America at 3pm EST on July 11. It was a crystal clear Saturday afternoon and 403 people turned out at Cypress Cove in Kissimmee, myself included, to show the world our true colors – which turned out to be mostly all-over-tan. The full tally will be ready in a few weeks.

       “Is that you in the back to the right with the glasses? Nicely done!” wrote my photographer Orlando's Miriam Lorenzi who did the story for Metromix and took the photos (like the one above) which would help hundreds of us remember becoming part of a world record.

       What I loved most about the experience wasn’t just the camaraderie or the fun and certainly wasn’t standing waist-deep in a Florida lake so hot and brown I felt like a lump of sugar in a big cup of English Breakfast tea. It was gearing up for the event by going to Cypress Cove a lot beforehand and enjoying thoroughly unique relaxation in their pool, restaurant, boutique and by the lake shore, relaxation I usually have to have a couple of beers or a remarkable romantic experience or anaesthesia to get. In writing about the experience for alternet.org (the story should be out soon) it occurred to me that right now, when we all feel as though we’ve gone through the looking glass and landed in a world we no longer understand, that the simplest pleasures – sun, water and great company– are more important than ever.

       Either that or I’m just getting old and that would be okay, too. I have my eye on a retirement trailer in the nudie park.        

Working Titles

       When “The Passion of the Christ” came out and people were mulling over whether to see it there was always one genius who would say “Well, I hate to ruin it for you but the guy dies in the end.”

       I love that joke, probably because no matter how predictable the endings of anything, I'll usually enjoy it as if I've never seen it before. You can tell the ending almost by the genre  – romantic comedies end in the two people on the poster getting hitched, superhero films end in salvation and in adult films orgasms will be distributed by the handful before the credits roll.

       Adults films don't actually require much plot or costuming to give the audience what they want (though some over-achievers come up with CGI, comedy and stories that actually make you forward through the sex to see what happens). This is why it's always extra-gratifying when there's some wit and extra disappointing when the title is bad. With more puns available in nudity and sex than there are grains of sand on the beach how is it that no one can do better than, say "Ass Parade 22"? There should be no such thing as an unimaginative porn title. It's like starving to death in Costco. Especially when some peopl come up with things like 'Cum Fu" and "On Golden Blonde." 

       Just to prove the point here’s some I made up :

       Much Ado About Fluffing

       Muff the Magic Drag Queen

       The Seven Inches You’ll Meet in Heaven

       Gilligan’s Fantasy Island

       Breakfast at Tammy and Tiffany’s

       Squeeze and Squeezeability

       30 Rock Hard

       Invasion of the Booty Snatchers

       I Came Upon A Midnight Clear

       Harold and Kumar Visit the Broadway Baths

      

       This was so much fun  I recommend you waste some company money and take a crack at it (there's one right there) if you get bored at work. It's a guaranteed laugh. And who knows? You might have a screenplay on your hands one of these days, which is better than what you usually have there when you're done with porn. 

Wrapping Your Toys

       It might sound like the world’s most hyper-paranoid, overly-vigilant, you-must-have-been-raised-Catholic advice in the world to suggest using condoms with sex toys.

       And while it would be fair to accuse me of a fistful of those things, it’s still not such a bad idea. Some toys are harder than others to clean (especially the ones with more nooks and crannies than a Thomas’ English muffin) and if you’re sharing them with a partner using a condoms is extra hygienic. Even if you’re using your toys solo it’s easier clean-up – plus the studs and ribs on some can make a whole new toy out of one you already have and in this economy who doesn’t want to stretch a dollar?

       Fairvilla Megastore  is the Baskin-Robbins of condoms, offering dozens a wide variety including some specially made for the purpose (though only through the website) like “Toy Covers” by California Exotics which I personally haven’t tried but which at least attest to the fact that I’m not nuts for thinking it’s a good idea.

       So whether you look at it as hygienic, time-saving or fun there’s much to be said for a nicely wrapped package.

       BONUS: The above picture is a condom wedding gown made of 12,500 condoms to commemorate World AIDS Day in 2006…if it came in safety orange and was lined with tinsulate it could actually be a wearable panic room. Nothing like having your outfit speak for you. 

Leg Show

     It's bad enough to run in heels when you have to (late for a flight,  chasing a dropped $20 bill, some bitch about to take the last seared tuna from the cruising waiter). Why would anybody do it on purpose??

     To get a $10,000 euros  (about $14,000) shopping spree, that's why. In Berlin this weekend a group of women with shopping fetishes inadvertently likely brought big smiles to people with heel fetishes in Glamour magazine's Stiletto Run . Shoes had to have heels at least 7cm (about 3 inches) high and thankfully none of them (or so this video on The Sun's website suggests) will end up pleasing cast fetishists (yes, Virginia, there is such a thing). Enjoy!

Video: The Other Love Glove

Ever since first trying one on I've been enamoured of the Fukuoku massage glove (which I did a post on back in May) and was lucky to get my friend Naniwa Angel as a willing test model to tell you all about it. Get those finger pads in the right position (I know - it looks cartoonishly big on
my hand on camera) and the results are the kind of relaxation you usually only get with several glasses of red and a hot bath.

(Thanks to Brian Quain for making this film and to Naniwa for a voiceover so beautiful I now want my whole life to be dubbed in Japanese).

Can't Touch This

       There’s a great scene in the movie “Annie Hall” where Alvie and Annie are in bed together and suddenly Annie’s disembodied spirit gets up and decides it would rather draw.

       “You have my body,” she says when he complains.

       “I want the whole thing!” he whines. Without the woman on the inside, the outside is less of a turn-on. 

       This, I think, is the essence of a study on "What makes sex 'great'?" from the University of Ottowa and written up by Dr. Charles Glickman on the Good Vibrations blog. Respondants cited things like “authenticity,” “deep sexual and erotic intimacy” and “connection” as being among the elements that really put the crème in the Oreo, the wasabi in the soy sauce, the proof in the vodka (Glickman talks about technique being important in tandem with these things but they are the engine that drives the car for these couples).

       The groups who answered the study were definitely not comprised of 20-somethings – they were long-long term couples (25 years plus), sexual minorities and sex therapists all of which are bound to give them a unique set of responses. And yet, while it's certainly a lot of fun and worthwhile to explore techniques, props and whatever enhances your sex life, there are intangibles – chemistry, self-awareness and intuition, for instance – that can amplify all those things and it's nice to see some credit go to the abstract, to things you can’t get from reading Cosmo or clicking “add to cart.” Sometimes it's not the rewards we grab but the ones that come to us after practicing a little open-minded patience with ourselves and others that are the best.
        Even if you're not in a relationship at the moment, developing some of these things on your own, i.e., developing patience, coming out to yourself about what works for you and what doesn't, can go a long way to making your sexual future, solo or otherwise, a richer place.
       Or you could just wear some Axe deoderant or go on a reality show. It's all about what works for you. 


      

Asstrology

     

They say that when the student is ready the teacher appears.

     Normally I do not consider myself the dimmest bulb on the marquis and yet recently I found myself annoyed by a general horoscope prediction. I enjoy astrology, especially Rob Brezny's Free Will Astrology, because he says juicy, insightful things whether they feel predictive or not (I especially like this ideas of Pronoia). But I know better than to be effected by mass market horoscopes; if you'd ever worked at newspaper and seen someone edit them you'd feel the same way.
      Then just when I thought I was done with the whole thing, along comes a charming new spin, Asstrology, a well-rounded excuse for The Sun newspaper to print a bunch of pictures of naked heinies and tell you that the shape of your ass says something about you above and beyond your genetic makeup and love of exercise. They offer six tushie shapes (all women models, go figure) and give you a few lines of what your butt is telling people. It made me a smile and therefore was useful than a many astrological treatises I've read. From now on when I get bummed out, I'm going to look to the butts instead of the stars.
(the adorable artwork above is by Nina Kuriloff; you can and should see more of her lovely drawings at Nina Kuriloff Fine Art)

Fairvilla University is now in session

         Last Thursday evening Fairvilla Megastore convened its very first session of Fairvilla University – FU – and the report card is in: if all college was this lively, students wouldn’t need to get so goddamn drunk all the time.

         “Keeping Couples Connected” was the inaugural lecture and about 40 pupils, couples and singles, how came to learn how a few simple moves– literally – could make a flatlining love life spike like the unemployment rate. You’ve heard of position papers –we had position demos on a big black queen size bed right in the middle of the store, and we all learned how just a little difference in your angle can go a long, long way (which, come to think of it, is true of everything).

         “The best thing when you’re tied up is that you don’t have to do anything. You’re along for the ride. It’s like Space Mountain,” says Tom Stewart, President of Sportsheets International Inc. and FU’s first esteemed guest lecturer. Tom isn’t talking about bondage in the way its been put forth in popular culture – the dark, scary, black leather-y façade that scares many people away. Sportsheets has brought restraints and slings out of the dungeon and into the light of the department store – they are made of materials like nylon, some not that much more exotic than the straps on your gym bag,  but designed specifically to help with positioning or restraint that can change your old moves into wild new sexual choreography.

         Take the Doggie Style Strap for example (right) – a lovely couple from the student body volunteered to help demo-it for us and I have to say, if Central Casting had sent them they couldn’t have been a more adorable and appropriate pair. Even in fully clothed and just miming the positions in front of an audience they seemed to be having the time of their lives, which means the real thing may melt your bed into the floor. 

        The Doggie Style is a simple padded nylon strap that wraps around the bottom partner’s hip area, right around where a woman’s g-spot is, allowing the top to not only pull you closer but allowing them to avoid rounding their shoulders to grab your hips - straight posture will allows for a sharper thrust. The angle the strap allows, Stewart says “shortens the vaginal canal,” which makes the penis feel bigger, plus the ease of “tilting the angle of the vagina will make sex feel different."

         And if you like that  you’re bound, so to speak, to like the Penetration Station (left), a simple system of straps that fit under the mattress - like sex furniture you could carry in your purse.  The Penetration Station straps allow for more leverage in various positions, keep you from  having to hold your feet in the air  and thus get exhausted and allow you to pull your partner closer for deeper penetration. 

          Now, is there any part of that sentence that wasn't good?

         If you missed class you can go right onto the Sportsheets webite and see some great demo videos that will give you insight into their products and the many way you can use them (be creative – you might find some ways that are not on film).

         Come on – you know there’s going to be a pop quiz one of these days. It might be tonight. It might not even be this year. But it’s coming and believe me, you don’t want to be the dope who can barely do true/false questions – you want to write the poetic essay that knocks them out of the ivory tower.

         So keep your eye our for more Fairvilla University classes and study up! I see you becoming valedicktorian one day. 

What if your nude scene turns out to be a comedy?

       Every once in awhile you see some TV show where somebody gets locked out of someplace naked and has to be rescued by a bemused passerby. Desperate Housewives, An American Werewolf in London….even Garrison Keillor tells a story of being nude in a hot tub and finding himself locked outside. We see and hear these things and we laugh at the awkwardness, thinking they never really happen or at least not to us.

       Well, guess what.

   I now have intimate knowledge of what a singular pleasure it is to give the AAA operator the laugh of the week. There she is, stuck inside on a glorious day, listening to all those sad, angry, exasperated, hot, sweaty, broke people freaking out on the side of the road and then you bob up on the call list. You say you’ve locked your keys in your trunk, hem and haw about where exactly you are then finally blurt out that you’re at a nudist resort, failed to put your keys in your pockets because you didn’t have any and ask her to send someone instanta because the beer by the pool is not going to drink itself. The laugh that tinkles out from the other end of the line is not quite like any other you’ve heard before – it’s effervescent and musical and just when you think it’s dying down it picks up again like a plastic bag in the wind; she is picturing your dumb ass quite literally, as you peer into the windows of your suddenly-obdurate vehicle, realizing what you’ve just done.

It’s a unique feeling to have someone laugh at your naked body without even being able to see you.

   

      Yep, I made a joke awhile back about the crime at nudist resorts probably being low because there are no pockets to secret any ill-gotten booty in and next thing I know no-pockets syndrome has me standing in the parking lot of Cypress Cove Nudist Resort in Kissimmee (above; and no that's not me in the pic) waiting for the locksmith. My friend Sheree, who is far more insightful than I am, says we should be dressed while we’re waiting and despite feeling like an ant under a magnifying glass in the Central Florida heat I have to concur. You know how people inside the gate feel about public nudity but an accidental tourist might be anything from uncomfortable to offended to creepy.

       Our white knight shows up in about 20 minutes and begins, his vibe is as mellow and non-threatening as it can be, like a youngish grandfather. We say we hope he isn’t bothered by the location. Nah, he says, he’s been called out here a lot (see: “no pockets”). In fact, he says, there was no need for us to dress just for him.
                           *         *       *

       If you want to become a footnote in nudist history, put your keys on a lanyard around your neck and come participate in the World's Largest Skinny Dip which will take place on July 11 at 3pm at sanctioned nudist outfits all over North America including Cypress Cove. The Guiness Book of World’s Records will be admitting it’s first ever skinny dip record into their book. If you’re an experienced nudist it should be easy. If not think how fun would it be to tell everyone that the first time you ever took your clothes off in public it make the record books. It’ll give them almost as good a laugh as we gave AAA.

(painting at top: Salvador Dali., My Wife, Nude, Contemplating Her Own Flesh Becoming Stairs, Three Vertebrae of a Column, Sky and Architecture)

Give 'em the Boots

Awhile back we did a video on the fabulous footwear  at Fairvilla Megstore and invited you to guess which of the shoes in the video I went and bought. Sure, I showed you the boots, the spectacular "Ferocious" design by Ellie but not on me. The perfect boots demand to be captured perfectly and for that I needed photographer Miriam Lorenzi of Miriphoto . An creative and keen-eyed portrait photographer with a show, "People You Know and Things You Shouldn't" currently up at Will's Pub , Mir understands the importance of getting the inside to show up on the outside:
     "A bond must be made between us on the inside in order for a great image to be created, so it's my task not just to get the lighting, focus and angel right, but to receive the person before me, wholly, or they just won't give it [ the great shot ] up," she says.
       "At the end of the day, we're all rock stars and celebrities, saints and sinners, and the sum of those parts add up to so much more. I love my job because it gives me the opportunity to know a person who I otherwise might  never have met, and for that matter, may never have connected to on personal level."
     Miriam did a photo shoot with me and the boots (and yes, they are their own entity; they have more personality than many people) and actually made me feel totally comfy even in three feet of PVC and several inches of heel. One of her photos from this series is currently up in her Will's Pub show along with many other brilliant, funny, surprising shots of some Orlando folks you are bound to know and love. No matter how well you know them, though, Mir captures something in them you've never seen before.

       So go check out Mir and Will's and go check out the shoes at Fairvilla. Both will definitely bring more personalities into your life.

Yeesht! Preventing Yeast Infections

       Hours spent in gyms, malls and salons, getting clipped, fit and outfitted – all of it won’t matter much if, when it comes time to actually have the sex you’re primping for, you didn’t put a few minutes into preventing a yeast infection.

       Owie! Yuck! Nothing’s worse than looking forward to a night of passion and suddenly getting that little itch that may be telling you something.

        “Yeast loves heat darkness moisture and sugar so its no wonder they’re happy growing in vaginas,” says Sheri Winston , sexuality teacher and counselor, nurse midwife, author and founder of the Center for the Intimate Arts. Sugar aids and abets yeast and a lot of women get yeast infections when they’re on vacation – “they drink margaritas, eat desserts, go to the beach, have lots of sex,” all creating a prime atmosphere for yeast to thrive (the moisture, friction, semen and contraceptives that come with sex can be contributing conditions as well).

       Most of us can tell by the pain, itching and burning that we have a problem and though I’ve seen an over-the-counter test is advertised Sheri says that if there’s ANY chance of it being an STD you should go to a health care provider and be sure. 

       “Sometimes chlamydia , gonorrhea and even herpes can mimic yeast,” says Sheri and undiagnosed STD “can damage your fertility for the rest of your life. That’s why I’m always on the “Let’s just test ya!”side.

       The best way to avoid yeast infections is to let that coochie breathe – avoid tight jeans, pantyhose, synthetic underwear and flavored lubes, which often contain glycerin (sugar). Sheri recommends bringing two bathing suits to the beach or pool so you always have a dry one to wear. “When you’re home or in a private place a skirt with no panties is a great thing -- if you can get away with it out in the world, go for it!”

       Sheri also cites “excessive American hygiene” as creating conditions for vaginal infections by wiping out the good bacteria in our vaginas. Anti-biotics can kill good bacteria – if you’re on them Sheri recommends counter-balancing with oral and vaginal probiotics. She recommends using no soap at all inside the vagina, just water from a hand-held shower massager “for hygiene and pleasure” and avoiding douching and perfumy soaps and bubble baths.

       On a personal note: a clinician once told me to dry off those nether regions after a shower or bath with a blow dryer which I’ve always done – on “cool” of course – and managed to avoid yeast infections in Florida for many years.

       If you’re on one of those wonderful, fabulous, devoutly-to-be-wished rounds of lots of sex she recommends at least a brief hygienic rinse with a shower massager between bouts and also to develop the habit of peeing after sex. Pre-moistoned wipes, she confirms, will do the trick to, but always buy organic – not the harsher commercial varieties.

     Knowing what Sheri calls your vaginal ecology is the best way to prevent infection – the minute something doesn’t feel right, if you detect itching, swelling or discomfort that might become an infection, you can try one of Sheri’s Kitchen Witch recipes, natural remedies for restoring your natural balance. One she highly recommends is:

Vagina Vinaigrette Cream

Use the following recipe as a cream for vaginal insertion using an applicator. Use this at the very first sign of imbalance. This can also be combined with a vaginal medication.

1 Tablespoon plain organic yogurt with live cultures

Empty 1 capsule of acidophilus powder into mixture

Add a few drops of lemon juice or vinegar

Add a few drops of hydrogen peroxide

Insert with an applicator into the vagina right before bed. You will be drippy! Just accept it. Don’t use pads or tampons. If you need to, put a towel down on your bed.

Continue for 2 nights after symptoms resolve. 

It’s not something you want to do all the time just when you feel out of sorts. More of Sheri’s Kitchen Witch recipes will be available in an upcoming eBook and you can keep track of her classes and other info here: www.IntimateArtsCenter.com

      

       If you do end up with a yeast infection there is a prescription oral medication called Diflucan, which lets you out of the messiness of Monistat-type creams. If you do go the cream route, Sheri says, generic is fine and also try “the longer course because the medicine itself can be irritating.” The shorter the course the stronger the medication and if you’re sensitive that strong medication can be painful – I once did the overnight course and ending up feeling like one of those cartoon characters who has to find a barrel of water to sit in after getting their butt blown off with TNT.

       This may not happen to you, of course, but if you have the time, opt for gentleness.

         The first and most important element in great sex is good health – the better you feel the better you and your partner can make each other feel. So if you want to have the hottest summer you can, a little prevention can go a long, long way.