Who Wins the World Cup of Sex?

       It may have been a while since Spain was an empire but Spanish men just won a victory which that’s going to make mince meat out of the egos of their rivals, in fact, of all the other men on the world stage. Spaniards are the best lovers in the world.

       They are, at least, according to a poll (detailed in the London Daily Telegraph) from www.onepoll.com, which surveyed 15,000 women on who the best and worst lovers on a global scale. I have yet to find a story that says why they’re the best, but the countries the ladies listed as having the most satisfying lovers, from 1-10 are  Spain, Brazil, Italy, France, Ireland, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Denmark and Canada. (and on a pesosnal note: Go, Canada! Wahoo!!! You rock, eh?!)

       Male or female, you have noticed that Americans didn’t make the Top Ten cut.

       Well, they’re not the worst in the world according to the poll. That distinction goes to the Germans who were castigated as the worst lovers in the world. Why? Because they’re smelly.

       I don’t think that’s fair. BO isn’t a trait; it’s a circumstance that hardly speaks to sexual character, technique or the lack thereof. And if a guy smelled that bad wouldn't you know it before you hopped im bett mitt him anyway, dummkopf? Other lousy lays from around the world were cited as having traits that I would consider more intrinsic and therefore fair to judge by, like the the Brits (too lazy), Swiss (too quick), Dutch (too rough), Americans (too domineering), Greeks (too sloppy/lovey dovey) and Wales (too selfish).

       Then there's the Scots, coming in at number 8 on the Worst list because they're too…loud? Rrreaally? I'm intrigued T- what kind of bellowing is ringing ‘cross the highlands that could make this an issue? Trying to drown out the bagpipes? This solidifies Scotland as the place I'd like most to visit next in the world - I like sounds of appreciation, perhaps even applause. The Turks, at #9, were cited as too sweaty, which is also pretty iffy as a drawback. Sweaty sex with a Turk could mean you're getting quite a workout, which is a good thing, or it could mean you're having sex...in Turkey. It's hot there.

        The Russians came in at #10 because they were hairy, which I consider the dumbest excuse for not liking something since "too many notes." Hairy is definitely in my pro column no ifs, ands or body waxes, so all I have to say is "How much is a ticket to Minsk?" As Susan Boyle proved, you really miss out when you let superficialities put you off from letting someone show you their technique.  

       So, yeah, these are fun but I think the trifling nature of some of the complaints doesn't really give you enough insight into the bad list. Besides, I'm way less interested in discovering that women don't like body odor (duh) than I am in finding out what the Spaniards, Brazilians and Italians do right that makes the ladies say "Oh God!!" in many languages. 

Toy Talk: What happens when your toys aren't taking you there?

So I spend a lot of time talking up sex toys because I’m a fan, but what happens when they just don’t work for you?

       Dr. Catherine Hood  of the London Daily Mirror UK, addressed this question in a recent column thus:

       "Dear Dr. Cath,

I was widowed four years ago and I masturbate with a sex toy. But for the last year I've found it impossible to climax - and it hurts. 

       Please help me - my doctor put it down to stress.

Dear Reader, 

  If you are under stress then your doctor could be right. Anxiety and worries are a common cause of anorgasmia. 

The brain is the biggest sex organ, particularly for women, and if your mind is troubled then your body is unlikely to relax enough to enjoy arousal or reach climax. 

Pain will also make it hard to let o and if you're getting sore when using your sex toys then this isn't going to help. Make sure you get some really good silky lubricant like Astroglide or liquid silk. 

Also go easy with the vibrations - some sex toys can be too aggressive for delicate genital skin, particularly in older women." 

        (click Dr. Catherine's name above to see the post in its original context with links)

        There are a couple of things I would add to Dr. Hood’s answer that might help if your usual routines aren’t taking you there:

       *) Do not put “orgasm” on the to-do list. Yes, an orgasm can make you feel better – I’m consistently surprised at how much better I function once my head is cleared in this way (which tells you exactly where my head is). But it shouldn’t become another have-to, like the laundry. When you feel that little internal tickle of arousal, then take advantage of it – it will be more fun if your body has already gotten you started. And it’s supposed to be fun.

       *) Take your time. If you’re finally feeling horny but your mind is getting in the way shut off the stream of thoughts by listening only to the sounds around you (the traffic outside, the hum of the A/C) – then you can focus on your physical sensations. Position your mind for pleasure the same way you do with your body.

       *) The woman who wrote to Dr. Hood had already seen a doctor, but if you haven’t and you’re having pain, it’s worth a visit. Vaginal dryness (due to changing hormone levels) or infection (yeast, UTI , bacterial vaginosis, etc) could be the problem. You might be able to get treated at a clinic by a nurse practitioner but if it’s more serious you might need a doctor, an ob-gyn, which is more expensive but worth it (if this sounds like the voice of experience, it is). Get recommendations from your friends and establish a relationship with a physician – the peace of mind is priceless.

       * Dr. Hood recommends changing vibrations  - you could just consider another kind of toy entirely if your usual one isn’t doing it for you. Toys come in a bewildering variety these days - it might be time to try something in a different size, shape or material.

       And of course the safest toy you have are your own hands – wash them and go exploring. A little time with the world’s greatest expert on your sexuality is free and can go a long, long way. 

Is this your minky?

God knows what I was fishing around for online to unearth this in Boing Boing  - an old New Yorker magazine ad for a mink car ignition keyhole cover. 

"Tired of groping under a darkened dashboard, trying to find that elisuvie ignition lock?" Presumably you're more acclimated to groping around trying to find elusive holes that are covered with hair - this will make you feel more at home! (I like it better than those Brazilian waxed keyholes you get nowdays) And if you get seriously turned on fingering around for that hole...what the hell, you're in a dark parking lot all by yourself, right? Knock yourself out. I won't tell a soul.

I coulda hadda bidet!

Those of you who are suffering through this September in Florida with me and dreaming of the day the highs dip down into the low 80's can empathize with a desire to be refreshed in any and all ways possible. One of my stupid little dreams is to have a bidet, one of  those marvels of European hygiene that refresh your nether regions the way a good splash of cold water refreshes your face. Thanks to Alternet for giving me a great excuse to research the cleanness and greeness of bidets for this piece  "The Green Clean Art of Keeping our Rear Ends Hygienic: What are we afraid of?" or as I keep thinking of it "I coulda hadda bidet!"
      Plus it turns out that washing your heinie in a stranger's bathroom is really fun. Enjoy!

PS: If you love this story and want to help keep me flush donate at PayPal: 

Good semenship?

         “Let's clear one thing up right now: I have nothing against semen 
For openers, I've heard it's very good for your hair. In sexual situations, it's a pay off. Like playing the slots, it's anticlimactic to stand there jerking the handle all day just to end up with an empty change bucket. The male orgasm is like opening a champagne bottle: There's a minor coaxing effort, the warning that a poorly aimed shot could put someone's eye out, the audible pop (okay, not really) and finally the joyous flow.

 Semen compares favorably to other body fluids, like bile. And many women spend so much time trying to get stuff out of men…that anything they give up voluntarily could be perceived as a plus.”

       I wrote that a few years ago for Alternet in a story about a study that posited semen as an antidepressant and I stand by my assessment of the joy of jizz. It may never make it into Martha Stewart's magazine (unless some guy gets seriously turned on by the Cookie of the Week) but it's a good thing.

       Simcha Whitehill of The Frisky now tells us of another way sperm could, in some estimates, get even better. She recently wrote about a  UK company called Blue Mountain Nutraceuticals is offering a vegetarian pill which, if swallowed diligently for a month, can make his come taste like apple pie. "After a week or two on the vitamins," she writes "his wad will be a really sweet release." 

       Alas, as they say on Fark  “Still no cure for cancer…”

       Now, I fully support anyone in their choice to have their man's spunk taste like it came out of Sara Lee. None of my business, nothing wrong with that, probably has a lot fewer calories (a teaspoon of semen has 7 calories; a teaspoon of pie probably doesn’t).

       For me…I’m not so sure. Not that the regular thing is so yummy that I've ever mistaken it for white chocolate or anything, but...jiminy christmas, how much jizz are you knocking back that you need it to taste like pie? You don't always have to swallow it you know. Like everything else, it's fun to put in other places. Also, I'm not sure I need the demon seed to taste so good I start craving it, like Yoo-hoo. And will you end up with a taste association and start getting horny every time you eat apple pie? If so, please send me photos of your Thanksgiving.

       And finally, maybe I'm crazed and primal but....I like the smells and tastes of sex. I like the scent lingering in a room long after it’s over and the tastes, singular to the act, that just make you want to keep kissing their whole body forever. Those scents and tastes, perceptible and otherwise - pheramones, chemistry - that's not something you can you just order ala mode at Denny's. I don't think I want sex to taste like a pastry anymore than I'd want going dancing to feel like taking a nap. Playing around with flavor pills or lubes might be a fun but I can't even imagine a pie that tastes better than a heart-fluttering, knee-weakening, world-stopping kiss. 
        Besides, if a guy ever went down on me and said "This is all well and good but I hear they have this pill that makes your coochie taste like hot wings..." it would be the last thing he'd say for at least six weeks. 


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Homegrown Heat: Romance Author Lara Dien

Though I consider myself an arch-romantic, I am not generally a reader of romance. To me “romantic” is more like traveling the country in an Airstream and making a living from the road as it is red roses, wine and chocolate, which are nice, but too safe to really be romantic at all. If you’re checking off boxes to create romance...you haven’t.

       Romance writers are getting the hang of this and the genre is changing in unexpected ways. One local author and new president of our local chapter of the Romance Writers of America is Lara Dien , whose stories are available on the Wilder Rose Press . Lara has a way of giving you a story and largely bypassing the clichés of romance – plus her sex scenes are hot, which matters to me as one of those people who eats the frosting and leaves the cake.

       Another great thing is that the stories on Wilder Rose Press are very inexpensive – as financially painless as downloading a couple of songs off iTunes. I like books as much as anyone but just as it’s nice to be able to snag a song off the web it’s nice to be able to spend a few dollars and get a good read right there at your computer.

        I’ll be doing an interview with Lara on the sight soon, but in the meantime, below is a passage from her first novella, The Fortuneteller’s Lay, and my review of it in the Orlando Weekly. Check out her new work "Bad Enough" and "Hungarian Masquerade" - which Lara tells me includes a liason behind a potted palm in a swank public venue, long a personal fantasy of mine, so I can't wait to read it. In the meantime enjoy:

"Close enough," he growled, pushing the thin material of her blouse off her shoulders.  He pulled the neckline down until he freed her breasts, but kept her arms imprisoned at her sides as the shoulders of the blouse fell almost to her elbows.  Miranda's head fell back as his hands scooped under her breasts, the slight roughness of his calloused fingertips running over her breasts and nipples causing a rush of heat to her cunt.  One thumb started teasing one full breast, tracing circles around the nipple, while his mouth found the other, suckling at her, tugging at the taut peak with his teeth.  Miranda cried out from the feel of it.

The Fortuneteller’s Lay 
by Lara Dien 
(Wild Rose Press; 78 pages; $3; 
www.thewildrosepress.com)

From the pages: “Let’s finish you first,” he said before beginning the most erotic assault Miranda had ever endured.

“Print is dead,” intoned Egon Spengler in Ghostbusters, and 24 years later that end may be closer than we book nerds would like. We love our books, but frankly, I’d rather read something of quality on a screen than some of the tinny, insufferable caca wasting ink out there. Online or on paper, good is good. The Fortuneteller’s Lay, by Orlando author Lara Dien, is an e-book that should come with a downloadable microfiber cloth to clean the steam off your monitor as you read.

Miranda Merrill is a part-time fortuneteller; into her tent stumbles detective Devon Cole, not looking for his fortune, much less his future. The chemistry that explodes between them isn’t so much boy-meets-girl as fire-meets-kerosene. The sex scenes are juicy and numerous, paced deliciously and placed so there’s enough real life between them to make the story a story and not a series of quickies (or longies).

Since they’re forced to part as fast as they came together, finding each other again is going to be a problem, but luck has a way of aiding destiny. The wrap-up is a bit more romantic than the hot, lurid, crazily luscious, very graphic sex that precedes it (which I could have used more of; shut up), but you’re on solid ground when the worst you can say is you wanted more.

This is an erotic romance – no human depths are plumbed but the obvious ones. But it is a gem in its genre, and Dien pulls off writing’s neatest trick, which is to make you forget that you’re reading. Anyone who has ever attempted to talk dirty and failed has glimpsed the toughness of the sex writer’s task. Fortuneteller predicts good things in Lara Dien’s future.

— LL

Five Steps to Choosing a Vibrator

       One thing I’ve noticed since starting this blog is that no matter where I go, women ask me for advice on buying vibrators. I appreciate their confidence and one of the things I love is when they feel comfortable enough to describe exactly what they like , i.e. “BIG, with a casing that’s smooth, but not too soft,” or  “Something with a g-spot curve but just a small one, and that has a lot of power.” I love this in the way Harry came to love hearing Sally order apple pie ala mode: “I'd like the pie heated, and I don't want the ice cream on top. I want it on the side, and I'd like strawberry instead of vanilla if you have it,” and so on. It’s wonderful when people get to know themselves that well, and it makes me giddy to hear how different we all are.

       But it isn’t always that easy to know what we want, because we aren’t always aware of what our choices are. When you start to really observe and acknowledge your sexual likes and dislikes as specifically as Sally did with her dessert, you will be on the road to spending your vibrator money wisely.

       Stephanie, a sales associate at Fairvilla , has five questions she asks people who are looking for vibrators:

       - Do you prefer hard or soft? Toys range from squishy jelly textures to plastic that’s as hard as the casing of the computer you’re reading this on. Ask to be shown a few examples and see what you think is right for you.

       - Do you prefer topical stimulation, insertion or both? Sometimes the vulva - clitoris, labia, vaginal opening (see illustration here) , is all a lot of women need to take them there.  You might like penetration during sex but not require it in a toy, or you might want something you can ride like Pegasus, or you might like a little of each. Being observant of your own responses during sex and manual masturbation can help you decide on the right size and shape toy for your needs.

       - Should it be water-proof? If you want the versatility of something you might use in the bath, shower, hot tub, etc, waterproof toys are certainly worth looking at (and obviously pretty easy to clean).

       - How much power do you want? You might not want something that buzzes at all – you might want something so powerful the neighbors wonder why they hear a lawn mower but don’t see a lawn mower. Most vibrators come with some kind of speed control that can take you from low to high to pulsing for a range of sensations - test the vibrator on the tip of your nose (which most accurately approximates how it will feel on the genitals) to get an idea of whether its too little or too much.

       - What’s your price range? Sex toy prices run from as low as $10 to over $1000; there’s bound to be something in your budget that will work wonderfully for you. To make sure you feel your money is being well-spent, talk to the sales staff, be honest about what you want and be as picky as if you were ordering in a restaurant or buying shoes. Your satisfaction merits your attention.

       Or, as Cher Horowitz (Clueless) said in one of my favorite quotes ever: “You know how picky I am about my shoes…and they only go on my feet.” 
       If this story was helpful please feel free to donate to the blog and help be keep the love alive: 

Some pics from the Fairvilla Halloween costume Fashion Show!

Holy Shit, Batman! (well, it's about time somebody said it like that). We got to go to the Fairvilla Halloween / Fetishwear fashion show this weekend at City Arts Factory and decided the costume above combines both purrrfectly. Here are some more costumes on the sexy models from ITT Tech  - Fairvilla is packed with outfits like these so stop by and check them out (I have my eye on the Alice in Wonderland collection myself but am curiouser and curiouser about the one above every time I see it...)

Above: It's no wonder this Little Red Riding Hood attracts wolves...

Left: Tila Teqila, indeed....

Right: Hello Sailorette!

Left: No, the abs don't come with the costume. But if this is what the devil looks like, I'll see you all in Hell.

Adult movie review: Seinfeld XXX

             A few posts back I reviewed the adult film “Crock of Love,” a parody of “Rock of Love” which reaffirmed the joy of smut for me – you’d think it wouldn’t even be necessary to parody a show that smells of leather sweat, barfed up margaritas and desperation, but “Crock” did it admirably.

       So, to be fair to “Seinfeld XXX,” had its work cut out for it, since “Crock” was a hard act to follow. Writer AJ Slater (in other news – porn has writers!) gives the nod to some famous episodes, but not the ones you might think. “The Contest” or the chess match between Jerry’s brain and his penis didn’t make the cut.

       The first sex scene features ex-lovers “Gerry” (James Deen) and “Elaina” having sex on the couch and I’m amazed to note that Kristina Rose (as Elaina) can actually – seriously – talk with a dick down her throat. She sounds like she’s got a mouthful of peanut butter and novacaine but she still manages to get a few words in, an ability I imagine to be every man’s nightmare. I like the way, too, that at one point just before she comes, instead of the usual “Jesus Christ,” etc., ” she says “You know you know you know you know you know you know” – porn is so formulaic that a surprise twist like that gets a massive check in the “plus” column.

       Moving along, Gerry’s girlfriend is an orgasmatron by the name of Regina (yep, long I) who ends up leaving him for Noman just before Kramer decides to cheer Gorge up by making a porn for him – starting his, (Gorge’s) girlfriend and another guy, Buck. The tape ends up in the hands of The Porn Nazi, this flick’s version of The Soup Nazi who is played by – lengthy medieval fanfare please – Evan Stone!!! Surprise cameo! Stone is the bright spot in most of his films and it’s the same here – the segments seem largely predictable otherwise. The one where Krammer sorta stumbles, in his Krammeresque way, on a porn shoot is pretty a pretty classic move, the yawn-and-put-your-arm-around-the-girl segue into sex. So it was kind of a letdown storywise - even if it did feature Sasha Gray as one of the porn stars.

       In the last sequence Gerry has sex on his stand-up stage with a very naturally large-breasted girl played by Cassandra Calogera who I fell in love with immediately. After watching enough standard issue porn bodies it was nice to see a girl who looked like a real girl (and , whose character I forget but  – actually kind of large really big-titted girl – actually she looks like a pretty big girl all the way ‘round. Her (real) name is Cassandra Calogera  after watching enough cookie cutter porn stars it was nice to see a somewhat bigger girl getting it on on screen. A look on the web turned up pics of her at various weights, so maybe she’s been up and down in the industry – but who hasn’t? I liked her as she was here.

       Bottom line, “Seinfeld” didn’t bowl me over like “Crock” did but it was okay. Not that there’s anything wrong with that…

PS: Here’s Fleshbot's comparison of the casts of the real and XXX Seinfelds. Enjoy!


Oh, and check out my new tip jar: 

"Anti-Choice Floridians Peddling Constitutional Ammendment to Criminalize Birth Control Pill"

Much as I wish I had, it’s hard to miss a headline like 

Anti-Choice Floridians Peddling Constitutional Amendment to Criminalize Birth Control Pill

from the pages of alternet.org (for whom I sometimes write)

         Sigh. It isn’t just having to scream “We’re not all crackpots!” in defense of Floridians again. It isn’t just that exhausted “Oh, what now?” feeling when far-right hysterics try to get in our business. It’s the waste.

      Here’s the skinny.

       ON 9/11/09, Tampa Bay Online reported “The "Personhood Amendment" that conservative activists are filing today in Tallahassee would add language to the state constitution that defines someone as a "person," regardless of age or health status, "from the beginning of the biological development of that human being." Lisa Lowen  of About.com explains the implications of this, saying “If a "Personhood Amendment" passes in Florida, an embryo would have human rights at the moment of conception. Supporters say this would make abortion and many forms of contraception -- such as oral contraceptives and the morning after pill -- illegal.”

       She says it would be a mistake to dismiss this as an inevitable failure and I agree that you can never be to vigilant in protecting your reproductive rights. The good news, though, is that The American Life League, a Catholic “pro-life” group, backed similar legislation in Colorado, where it did not pass. They spent $250,000 on that particular failure.

       That's what gets to me. $250,000. How much good could you do for that? How many homes could you heat this winter so the old people living there wouldn’t get sick and die? That seems very pro-life to me. How much free day care could you sponsor? How much medication could your spring for? For god’s sake, how many people could you hire, even short-term, with a budget that grand?

       – That’s what gets to me. The waste. To spend money politicking when so many are suffering so extravagantly (ALL are the same people distributing that placard “Bury Obamacare with Kennedy,” shortly after the Senator’s death). When Jesus did miracles  - and $250,000 is a miracle -  it was loaves and fishes for everyone. How many poor people in Colorado could have used a tuna sandwich on the day that amendment failed?      

       But feeding people isn’t glamourous (not since 1985). It isn’t thrilling, like a political power-grab is. It doesn’t satisfy your ego as much as holding court or holding sway. Goodness doesn’t get you on CNN.

       So it’s not just the attempted denegration of women’s rights – it’s seeing people who have the power to do good, but not the will. I just wish religious organizations would stop doing damage in places they’re not wanted and take their massive wealth to the places where it would be a godsend. I haven’t been a Catholic since 1978, but I remember Sister Anna, eighth grade, Book of Mark:

         "Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.' They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?' He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least among you, you did not do for me.'"

       I know a lot of people brought this up concerning the health care debate as well, but I really did remember it from school. So I did learn something from the nuns. I’ll be damned.

Enable me, baby, enable me...

So I know there have been hundreds of times you've read my work and thought "That made my day - I wish I could lavish her with riches, or at least pay her power bill or buy her a sammich."

      Well FINALLY I've signed up for PayPal and am now donation-ready, so should you ever decide to be my enabler-in-shining-armour and help me to keep writing about sex, pop culture, news and things to do when you're naked, my shiny new button is just waiting for you to push it. It'll feel good. I promise.

(Photo by Miriam Lorenzi at www.miriphoto.com)

'Loo with a View': Best Men's Room Mural Ever

 If a man was pee shy to begin with and came face to…face…with this men’s room mural, chances are he wouldn’t be able to whiz in public again until about 2012:

The picture was sent to me by a girlfriend recently in an email with the story of the mural detailed. Thinking it was genius and wanting to share it, but suspicious that commercial art could ever be this witty, I thought I better look it up.

       Sure enough there was a snag. The mural is totally real. The story in the circulating email, however, seems to have gotten twisted up in a sort of internet version of “Telephone,” where the story of the picture has been passed around and changed over the years as related here on Hoax Slayers. The true story of the art work is that it was put up in the Sofitel Queenstown, New Zealand in 2005 and was designed by Perron Developments. Some men thought it was funny, some felt strange being ‘looked at’ and some were inspired to go to the gym. Though this 2005 story on the mural says it might be changed but I haven't found any follow-ups that says it has been (if anyone does know of a change, please let me know and I'll follow up).

       On one hand, I think this is so brilliant I wish Perron could design the whole world. On the other hand, if I were in the ladies room and looked over to see a photorealistic depiction of somebody peeping through a hole in the wall, I might not pee in a public bathroom until 2012 again either. 

Truth or Dare with Pepe! (and Miss Sammy...and me!)

     Monday, Monday - it doesn't have to turn out that way.
     Not it you come to the Peacock Room tonight and see "Truth or Dare with Pepe!" starring two Orlando favorites we have on good authority as two of Elizabeth Maupin's local favorites, Pepe and Miss Sammy. Guests include karaoke queen Janine Klein, photographer Julie Milford, Real Radio personality Doug Bowser and YOU if you join us in a dare.
      That's right, I said us - I'll be there representing Fairvilla Megastore and THAT's a dare you probably don't want to miss!
       There's gonna be free shots and chances to win all kinds of cool stuff, plus bringing a print-out of this page you'll get a buy-one-get-one-free admission (cover is only $5)
       Peacock Room is at 1321 N. Mills Ave, and the show runs from 10-11pm - last time I was there in addition to the comic brilliance of Pepe and Miss Sammy there were lap dances, chocolate and at least one orgasms that made Meg Ryan's restaurant performance look like sleepy time at the nursing home. ;)     Come see us! Monday can be the best night of your week.

Accidental Health Advice, post Project-Runway

       Except for the presence of the iconic and ever-wise Tim Gunn, this season’s Project Runway has been a bit of a let-down in my fashionista book. The contestants are certainly talented, but they’re so largely similar (young, beautiful, ambitious, creative, yawn) that the whole thing is about as exciting as bar soap.

       That’s probably why I’ve never stuck around to watch the PR spinoff, “Models of the Runway,” about the girls who work the clothes for us every week. In seasons past any sidebar to the joy of PR would have been an instant watch, but this year the show hasn't been interesting enough to want more; it's a going-through-the-motions thing, like when you know the relationship is over but you’re too lazy to get up and find someone else to kiss, so you take what’s next to you on the couch.

       Anyway, last night I was too lazy to get off the couch, so I did watch “Models” for awhile and actually got kind of a kick out of it, especially when PR hostess and creator Heidi Klum went to look in the refrigerator at the model’s apartment. One of the girls then owned up to eating raw garlic with a yogurt chaser.

       “That’s gross,” Heidi said, in that way she has of declaring her opinions like they’re facts, which I like about her more and more. Heidi is no dummy, but she missed an opportunity in that exchange, tan opportunity to note that any woman who is eating garlic and yogurt may very well be wisely trying to prevent getting a yeast infection.

       While it's not necessary to eat the two in tandem, the consumption of yogurt and garlic could very well help and certainly couldn’t hurt in preventing yeast infections, and and frankly, anything that helps avoid painful chemical remedies and overpriced office visits is worth a look-see. Some people even recommend the direct application of both to the effected area and this article from Wellsphere has tons of home remedy suggestions for yeast infection (I haven’t tried it, though I have applied a home-remedy yogurt mixture and think it helped). Make sure you’re eating plain yogurt with active cultures – sugary yogurts, in fact sugary foods in general, are a bad idea when trying to prevent a yeast infection, because yeast thrives on sugar.

       The health benefits of garlic are widely known and even WebMD recommends yogurt for yeast, so maybe the young lady on the show was onto something. Could it be that models are smarter than we all think?

       I think I might actually watch the next episode - in full - and find out. 

A Very Special Emmy Award Idea

       “Craigslist diaper fraud” isn’t a Google search string you may have ever envisioned yourself using,  but I got the chance today after seeing a report on WKMG Local 6 news last night about a Brevard County man who was arrested for defrauding women into changing diapers he didn’t need.

       There is a fetish called paraphilic infantilism, defined by Campbell's Psychiatric Dictionary under autonepiophilia as “a paraphilia in which sexual arousal and orgasm are dependant on the subject acting as or being treated as an infant. The subject may need to wear diapers, for example, in order to become sexually aroused.” (Below is video from the Tyra Banks show with Dr. Victoria Zdrock talking a little bit about the nature of this and other fetishes).

        Sean Kelly was charged with organized fraud for offering to pay women to take care of him in this way and then not doing so (see the detailed story and video here ). To make it clear, it’s not the fetish – it’s the fraud – that's the issue here.

       What prompted me to post about this today wasn't the infantilism, but watching Tony Pipitone’s report last night and thinking there should be some kind of special Emmy for broadcasters who can get through this kind of thing without even a trace of "WTF?" in their manner (you'll see JR Stone delivering the morning report in the link about). Many people may learn about paraphilic infantilism from this case. I learned that I will never play poker with a newscaster. 

How to Have a Good Couple Fight

In the past few years a delightful new trend has emerged - the study of happiness - which in my mind is the same thing as focusing on how to get healthy rather than waiting to deal with your health when you're sick. 

     Slate magazine has an ongoing blog called The Happiness Project, which I check in with from time to time to see what people are talking about in the world of misery prevention and I loved today's post from Gretchen Rubin that offers Ten (More) Tips for How to Fight Right with Your Sweetheart based on a new book Prince Harming Syndrome: Break Bad Relationships Patterns for Good by Karen Salmonson and offers excellent tips that even the hottest of the hot-tempered will realize are a good idea, especially if you know deep down past your ego that you actually want to keep a relationship with this person. It might be tough to remember tips like "Avoid harsh start-ups" and "Pick the right time and place" when you're in the heat of the moment but if you consider these ideas before things get out of hand you might have a better chance of keeping your temper, your mouth shut and yourself on good terms with the partner, friend or colleague in question. It certainly couldn't hurt to try.

      Or you could go the Wile E Coyote method and order a bunch of outsized and bizarre weapons from Acme. Let me know how that turns out. 

Toy Talk Video: Gift Buzz

Last week at Fairvilla Megastore I found these awesome little pre- packaged vibrator gift bags, a great present for someone you really like - or you for an alternative that's a bit more personal & economical you could buy a travel bag yourself and customize it with stuff you know he or she
likes. This gift will never prompt the response "You shouldn't have." Enjoy!

Adult film review: "Crock of Love"

       Ask any college professor to name the greatest satirists ever and the roll call would include the likes of Jonathan Swift, Mark Twain, Weird Al – guys who are serious about their comedy.

       I think the people at Kick Ass pictures just body-checked their way onto the list with “Crock of Love.” It’s a hardcore adult film parody of “Rock of Love,” the reality TV show from VH-1 (yes, I watched season 1) in which the usual rummage sale of sweet tarts were trotted out for rocker Brett Michaels to sample, like wine at a tasting: one swirl around the tongue and – patooey! – into the bucket they’d go. It happens all the time on these shows.

        “Crock” spoofs “Rock” (and in some sense reality dating as a whole) to painful perfection with one searing, blinding, salt-in-the-paper-cut difference: the porn film and everyone in it come off as smarter, funnier and just better than most everything about the TV show did.

       At the center “Crock” is Evan Stone , the king of the adult genre and an actor with a gift for comedy that could easily stand up in the mainstream. His impeccably funny smarmy-guy routine and trademark Fabio hair is put to ideal use in his performance as Brute Michaels, the rusted metal head who plays guitar and croons to the to the collection of porn stars who play the obnoxious, scheming, drunk reality crowd to a T. My favorite parts are a) that they walk around in nothing but underwear which they might as well do on the shows and b) instead of the usual “Jane Doe from Paris, Texas,” captions these shows use, they’ve put things like “Misty Stone – Really Fucking Annoying,” and “Andie San Dimas – Insane Lesbian.”.

       You know the horror movie principal that once a character has sex they’re going to end up dead? Same thing in “Crock” except once you have sex you usually get booted off the show. There are several scenarios for how this happens – my favorite involves the resident dumb belle and Brute’s body guard. Tomorrow’s activity for the show, he tells her, is a trip to the orphanage. He also tells her that he’s an orphan, so he can give her some tips on how orphans want to be treated. The phrase “Orphans love getting deep-throated” really does belong in Bartlett’s.

       There’s nothing more surprising than adult film where you’re forwarding through down-and-dirty hardcore sex so you can find out how the plot will advance, which I did with this gem. Not that there was anything wrong with the sex – far from it. Amazingly the stars even stayed in character throughout their sex scenes which made it even more hilarious. In almost every case the girls matched Stone’s comic sensibility and made the movie as round and rich as any XXX-rated flick I’ve ever seen (and FYI, it was recommended to me by Mel at  Fairvilla)

       Bottom line, I get a little weary of the predictability of porn sometimes, but the quality of this spoof restored my faith in the art form. And like the theme song says “That’s not no bullshit! It’s just a Crock of Love.”

Freudian Quip

         World’s Greatest This. Top 100 That. And these days everything must be XTREEEEME! (X-treme Jell-O, for tit’s sake….how the hell can Jell-O be extreme, unless you can bounce a car off it?)

         The more loud and ludicrous everything around me gets the more I find myself appreciating subtlty and even simple competance. The best title I’ve seen in the last two years was – no kidding - a show on PBS “Sandwiches That You Will Like.” How lovely. How pleasing. Nothing was going to blow my head off or change my world. And by not overpromising the show delivered. There were sandwiches and I would have liked them.

         The “sandwich” title almost outdid my favorite title of all time, which came to my attention two years ago when I saw the exhibit "Lucian Freud: The Painter’s Etchings," at MoMA in NYC. There was certainly a lot of lovely work in the “Nudes” section but this one, of London’s Sue Tilley napping on a comfy couch, sported the title “Benefits Supervisor Resting.”

         I fell out. I don’t think I’ve ever liked a name of a painting as much as the work, but the pairing of the soft humanity of the portrait with the harsh, soulless corporate job title was so inspired and intriguing I never forgot it and therefore never forgot the paiting. Everything, it seems, is in the details.

         And while plenty of other people are make perfectly good bucks filming and photographing young, lovely, pop-culturally-perfect naked ladies, the 86 year-old Freud (left) hauled in $33.64 million for "Benefit Supervisor," , a record-setting take for the work of a living artist. As Mom would say, “Now that’s wakin’-around money.”