What John Edwards - and we - keep failing to learn

It’s never a good idea to let an avid fan get into your house or your pants, not even if they’re just folding them when they come back from the dry cleaners. Movies like Play Misty for Me, Misery and All About Eve were made to teach us this and if you don’t learn anything from a Hollywood that’s trying so hard to convey simple values, then what the hell do you expect? One’s PA should be smarter than one’s self and nothing says ‘smart’ like reserved disdain for the employer. (see Arthur’s Hobson, Wooster’s Jeeves and Blackadder the Third).

John Edwards didn’t learn from these things if the press on former aide Andrew Young (who will appear on 20/20 tonight), who comes off uncomfortably like Eve Howard is any indication. Waylon Smithers and "butt boy" are two ways he’s been described, though the scandals, of course are all Edwards fault – Young was only the messenger. There’s only so much blame you can put on the camera if you look like hell in the picture.

The countdown has begun to the launch of Young’s forth-coming tell-all book, due out February 2^nd which promises more juice than there is in the juice aisle, --including, evidently not to everyone’s surprise, a possible “sex tape."

Edwards as the first government official caught in a sex tape is casting gold; most politicians you wouldn’t even want to see without a tie. I disagree with the release of these things, firmly believing that unless people are consenting, we should never get to see their O face, but I’d be lying if I didn’t admit I was curious– I voted for Edwards once and kind of feel like he owes me (maybe that's how might have Andrew Young felt).

CBS News.com’s 48-Hours Mystery website describe the alleged tape as “The Headline You Knew Was Coming” which made me feel like a bit of an idiot. I didn’t see it coming. I write a great deal about sex and the more scandalous and peculiar it is the more I’m interested, so you’d think my imagination would be vine-ripened for such a thing. But I didn’t see it coming.

The things I thought, as more dirt floated to the surface, were quite different, things like “How do you get to be a Senator and not understand how birth control works?” and “Dumbass,” and “The more famous people deny their varied sex lives the longer a standard of lifetime hetero monogamy gets upheld for everyone and that’s just stupid.” And it is. If these sex scandals teach us one thing it’s that people make marriage promises they can’t keep – so why, as a society, do we insist they make them? Why does there need to be there be only one socially sanctioned expression of love, lifetime hetero monogamy? People often do it because it’s the thing to do, but obviously it doesn’t work for all of them and the result is like putting only size 2 dresses on the rack and then bitching when almost everyone comes out looking hideous.

This isn’t to excuse Edwards’ behavior - it is to say that the kind of denial people in his position have to engage in doesn’t benefit the individuals or the public. If they were allowed to just acknowledge their affairs and move on privately - or to even have open relationships or something other than regular marriage to begin with- the ability to scandalize would decrease and with it the ability of such stories to kudzu the media, choking out real news. If Tiger had just admitted to Elin much earlier on that he was juggling dates as deftly as an airline’s booking computer, that disastrous car wreck might never have happened - nor would the media train wreck that followed. The couple might have handled their business privately, which would have been better for them and for us.

It won’t happen in my lifetime. Love and sex are the most complex part of our lives, but it's very likely we'll continue to treat them as the fashion industry so long treated variations on beauty: stuffed into the narrow confines of a size zero.

Anyway, I didn’t see the sex tape coming, but I do expect the porn parody any day now. The adult film industry has struck a lucrative chord by lampooning pop culture and current events with films like “Whose Nailin Paylin?” and ‘Barrack’s Big Stimulus Package.” An Edwards parody can’t be far away.

My title suggestion: “All About Beav.”

Concern for your health is as flattering as it gets

       What do your panties inspire?

       Not to put you on the spot or anything, but it’s kind of a funny though, so long as the answer is something like “joy,” or “erections” and not “dread” or “infections.”

       It’s hardly surprising that Marilyn Monroe’s underwear would inspire a thing or two. Now her iconic drawers, revealed by the uprush of subway air in one of the most beloved Hollywood images ever, have inspired a line of vintage fashion undergarments by Protec-Style lingerie.

       What is most gratifying about this isn’t the style – it’s the emphasis on the healthful properties of the material. The Huffington Post Reports that Women's Wear Daily reports that The Marilyn panty is made of a polyester microfiber that is antibacterial, anti-fungal and antiviral. The Protec-Style website says it stays dryer than cotton. (Gotta love their tagline: “The most technologically advanced intimate apparel to ever grace your behind.”)

       That’s a fine start but what really impressed me was a quote from Protec-Style president Linda Lord who said “The woman who wears it must feel flattered by its comfort and durability.”

       This is an entirely new way of thinking about clothing that I’ve never encountered before. “Comfortable” and “flattering” are words that go together as well in my mind as “deep-fried” and “slimming” do and ‘durability’ conjures images of camping gear, not kittenish femininity. I’m used to clothier’s wanting to flatter me with cut or color, not concern for my health, but I’m happy to get used to it – it’s a new approach that feels as good as breathable underwear.       

       Of all the qualities listed, anti-fungal is my hands-down favorite because I live in Florida (state slogan: “It’s Damp!”) where a yeast infection is easier to get than a Key Lime margarita. Kudos to the Marilyn panty for wanting to help us stave off the Seven Day Itch. 

Movie Mondays: The Legacy of Hanks and Ryan

Pop quiz!

There is a big, red, spastic, chocolate-addled event on the horizon that will be welcomed when it finally arrives but better when it’s all over. Is it:

a) your next period (or a loved one’s)

b) Valentine’s Day

Probably both, but since periods are seldom discussed in movies unless one is missing (Juno, Caddyshack) we’ll pick Valentines Day. It's on it's way, you know, and just last week one of my favorite programs, Current TV’s The Rotten Tomatoes Show, did a great segment on Romantic Comedy “Couples Who Should Break Up,” and at the top of the heap were the saccharine standard-bearers of the 90’s Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. And back in the day I would have totally agreed.

We like to think we’ve been freed from the calcified images of perfect domestic life conjured in the 50’s. What fools we’ve been. Sure, many things have made us wise to sham of domestic perfection but we’ve just cobbled new ones together (porn bodies, Kardashian-level wealth, Big-and-Bradshaw romance) that might be less constricting in some ways but are even weirder in others and, moreover, available 24/7. Our teeny bopper devotion to cultural mythology hasn’t changed; we’re still keeping up with the Jones’ except the Jones’ are global, surgically enhanced and tweeting.

I hadn’t considered this until watching that segment about Tom and Meg. They were, for some people, the Joneses of love, the Rock Hudson and Doris Day of their time. Tom and Meg got women to believe that love was destined and would find a way – especially if you gave it a shove in the forms of stalking, spying and other unethical behavior (Sleepless in Seattle). Then they spun the attractive the story of having the very prince who destroyed your career, legacy and dreams make it all better by loving you (You’ve Got Mail). That’s how sophisticated we became – we fell for it, ran to it and sucked it up with a crazy straw. What’s the difference between You’ve Got Mail and Leave it to Beaver? Beaver sounds dirtier but they were equally clean and unrealistic ( Tom and Meg were as sexuallymagnetic as a couple of thin Campbell’s Soup Kids).

The Ryan-Hanks duo was big when I was younger and knew more than I do now. I was frighteningly cynical about such sugar-coated rubbish, never watched such things and was sure that love was to be viewed with narrow, suspicious, accusing, jaundiced, steady eyes, despite having experienced much of its charms never having suffered more than the usual amount at its hands. Back then I, too, would have thought Tom and Meg should break up just to knock those simpers off their one-dimensional faces.

Then, just a few weeks ago I watched Mail and Seattle and was shocked to find I enjoyed them. They were cinematic comfort food –mushy and bad for you but a relaxing, like a little time-released painkiller.

I thought people were supposed to get less romantic and more jaded and as they aged; why I’ve gotten more romantic and sometimes even eagerly gullible I’m not sure. Maybe it just feels good. Maybe I’ve realized that when you have Limbaughs and Palins that Tom and Meg are not what’s wrong with the world. Maybe the more inexplicable shit I see that I have come more to believe that, for good or ill anything can happen, so why not romance?

Whatever occurred to relieve me of my Rom Com allergy I’m glad. It proves that even the things you thought could never change actually can change which, ironically enough, is one of the broader themes of When Harry Met Sally. If you live long enough to get broadsided by fate a few times you have to admit taht you really don’t know what’s next – you might fall wildly in love with a total stranger tomorrow, or you might fall down an open manhole and not be found for weeks. Anything can happen! There’s no harm in keeping your eyes open…for either extreme.

That said, so long as the fairy tale remains a lovely possibility and not a plan, something that turns into a dangerous psychosis or a tumor made of unrequited dreams you should be fine. Rom Coms are like the size 0’s that model clothing or like Martha Stewart or Marcia Brady or any other icons of perfection. You have to remember that they’re either not real or have staff, so there’s no onus on you have what they have until you have either a team PA’s just to keep you from tipping over or you become an actual fictional character.

This is a tough world and if Rom Coms are the Rita Hayworth poster you use to cheer up your little corner of Shawshank who cares? Everyone nurses secret dreams of tunneling to a better life; the only difference is how they plan to get there..

I vividly get Ellen Fox's take on Tom and Meg and loved her assessment of the four other Rom Com couples that made the list (check her out below) but now that I mind cinematic Vicodin less than I once did do I want them to split? Nah – since I don’t want either one they’re free to stay where they are, locked in cinematic history.

Now if there was a couple I’d like to see get closer it would be Kermit and Piggy. Imagine the apocalypse-portending spawn of this unnatural mix, part piglet, part tadpole. A pigpole. I want to see that and I want to see it soon.

It’s nice to know the inner cynic is still lurking in there somewhere.

(above image of Kevin Anderson and Reg E. Cathey in the theatrical version of The Shawshank Redemption, from The Guardian UK.)

I got it from Ross

 

       On Chelsea Lately this week Ross Mathews said one said one of the best things I’ve heard about Tiger Woods: “I don’t know if I buy sex rehab…sex is good for you…he should go to whore rehab. Or douche bag rehab.”

       I love Ross Mathews and I agree with him about sex being good for you but I do believe in sex rehab –sometimes people just use a good-for-you thing to an  unbalanced way, in which case you've got problems - that's why there's shopping rehab, eating disorders, religious extremism and people who have the Avatar blues, a real thing wherein people are watching Avatar and then getting seriously depressed about having to life in real life. Some people's health fun becomes other people's choke chains.      

       That said I think the invention of douche bag rehab would be sort of a catch-all, an umbrella rehab that could take care of a lot at once and if psychologists invent it, I'll believe in that, too. Can you imagine if they locked up everyone who douche bag it with Dr. Drew for two weeks? The roads would be blissfully empty.

     But the, there wouldn't be much for them to talk about on shows like Chelsea Lately so it’s just as well.

       Here’s the clip wherein the cast also talks about Octomom and reality stars with attitudes of entitlement.

       See what I’m sayin?

Where was the Lorax? Man tries sex with a tree

         A 21 year-old man in Airdrie, Scotland was arrested for trying to have sex with a tree. Must have been a hot date for him to get a woody like that.

         OW! I know, and if you want to read more shameless puns about his sticky situation check out the Scottish Sun.

 - they totally got the dirt on this shady character. He plead not guilty to public indecency so he either willow won't be in trouble; it’s in the elm of possibility but hard to o-pine at the moment (the tree pictured is not the victim, who is surely being protected by Special Branch.)

         The Sun mentions another Scot who attempted sex with the pavement in Galashiels, Selkirkshire. Must have been stoned. 

Toy Talk: The G-Spot story

There’s a really great scene in Annie Hall when Alvie (Woody Allen) and his first wife are having sex and she comes right to the point of climax but gets distracted by a siren. “The city can’t close down,” he says, “What are you gonna do? Have ‘em shut down the airport, too? No more flights so we can have sex.”

And that’s just tricky the female orgasm can be. For some women it comes quickly, for some it takes longer, some are uninhibited, some aren’t and different stimulus works for different women. And just like how men get and stay hard more easily if they’re well rested and not stressed a woman’s physical and emotional state matters hugely to her sexual state.

With that in mind let’s talk about the British study purporting the non-existence of the G-Spot. Does it mean that all the orgasms you had or provided via G-spot stimulation will be recalled? No it does not.

The study, it turns out, is not all that comprehensive. It involved 1800 women, identical and non-identical twins and was searching for a genetic component to the G-spot. G-spot sensitivity was reported in 56% of the women and identical twins didn’t share the same sensations. "Variation in G-spot frequency is almost entirely a result of individual experiences and random measurement error with no detectable genetic influence," the study concludes, as quoted on ABC News.

It means, as I read it, that your reaction to g-spot stimulation isn’t genetic but very individualistic, which you could say about your reaction to a great many things. Moveover, the study did not take digital stimulation or sexual positions into account; they only studied clitoral stimulation and vaginal intercourse which doesn’t seem to make sense in regard to the G-spot; it would be like looking for the refrigerator only in the living room and pronouncing it non-existent because you didn’t find it there (here's a pictorial map with G-spot fun facts from The Sun UK).

Even one of the researches in the study didn’t think it was the be-all / end-all:

“Study researcher Andrea Burri, a clinical psychologist and genetic epidemiologist, admits that even though scientists could not find a "genetic influence" for the G-spot, the study was not conclusive.

"It has to be replicated and we need more refined methodology," Burri told ABCNews.com. Twins may have been influenced by "environmental factors" like partner differences, relationship satisfaction and mood.

She argued that this new research would take the pressure off women who felt "inadequate" because they could not find a G-spot.

It may take the pressure off women to locate their g-spot but it’s also dismissive of those who report mind-blowing g-spot orgasms and worse – it might discourage some from exploring a sexual experience that might be fantastic for them.

If you want to try G-spot stimulation look for tips on websites like that of sex expert Sue Johanson (here's her G-spot guide, including important emotional factors to note), or attend a lecture with a therapist like Sheri Winston who will be here at the Florida School of Holistic Living with her awesome new book A Woman's Anatomy of Arousal (she’ll be there Feb 10 -14; check with the school to see which lecture will be the best one for your needs). I attended Sheri’s lectures last year, learned a lot – unless you know everything you need to know about women’s sexuality I highly recommend her as an approachable, intersting and very responsive teacher.

Being in an classroom environement also underscores the huge importance of communication in regard to sex. If you’re partnered, talk to your partner about exploring what you want to explore. If you’re trying g-spot stimulation on your own and want a g-spot stimulator or even just advice talk to a consultant at a business like Fairvilla Megastore. Staff at reputable adult stores are extremely knowledgeable and professional – they talk about this stuff all day so nothing you say will surprise them, though it might surprise you to know that any concern you have isn’t weird, worrisome or limited to you alone.

One of the greatest things about sex is how incredibly, fabulously different it is for all of us and I’d hate to see anyone discouraged from seeking greater joy just because of a catchy headline that belied the full story (as sound bites often do). Joy is where you find it – and for a lot of women that seems to be about an inch-and-a-half in at about twelve o’clock.

Movie Mondays: Adult Film Review: "Space Nuts"

I know: it’s probably unfair and not at all PC to say that if you like sci fi you probably like porn. But you have to admit it’s true that they’re similar in that:

- both genres are largely preferred by men (though I’ve seen plenty of girls at conventions dressed up like Princess Leia, for good or ill).

- that neither are genres wherein the plot gets gummed up with a lot of rumination about relationships, like “Pride and Prejudice,” or “You’ve Got Mail.”

- that both require suspension of disbelief – the pizza boy getting laid by the cougar isn’t that much more likely than Jar Jar Binks getting any sort of job, and finally

- that in both you will forgive plot holes the size of the Grand Canyon if the action is any good.

If you do like both genres, you can enjoy the blend in the "Space Nuts", a 2003 hardcore sci fi spoof in which the plot holes were actually minimal. Imagine “Space Balls” with a lot of graphic sex and you’re part way there. It does have a standard hero-must-save-princess plot, but it doesn’t matter because it’s also got naked blue alien women, ornate alien species and funny non-porn bits. Timothy A. Bennett and Jonathan Morgan whipped up a script that’s as good if not better than anything from Syfy (though I’ll give Syfy this: they did have a movie about homicidal crows that was called “Kaw!” Best. Title. Ever.) and there’s a reason it won AVN’s Best Sex Comedy and Best Special Effects in 2003.

This space spoof also has a decrepit, evil Emperor (Mike Horner) who is in love with Princess Hubba Hubba (Louisiana Senate candidate Stormy Daniels) who may or may not be rescued by rogue hero Buzz Starfokker, played by the ubiquitous and ever-delightful Evan Stone. Along the way you have space battles, pleasure droids, a mechanical manservant who gets it on with household appliances and a dark witch with a BDSM flare. Good luck getting that on Endor.

The sex scenes are good stuff and you have plenty of plot to watch between vignettes, both of which “Space Nuts’ an excellent choice. It’s in the staff favorites section at Fairvilla and if you’re up for an adult flick with the bonus of humor and costumes it’s worth a look. You could cheap out and just watch “Space Balls” and fantasize, but wouldn’t you rather see whether a blue-skinned alien girl is blue everywhere?

2010 advice from Sarah Haskins

     OK, we’re just a little over two weeks into 2010 – is it still okay to take a look back at 2009 and get some advice on the upcoming year? Sure it is. You get at least 30 days to take care of anything – traffic tickets, store returns, rehab – so if you haven’t made any resolutions yet here’s one you’ll enjoy: watch Sarah Haskins.

       Sarah is a commentator for Current TV’s InfoMania and in her “Target: Women” segments she cleverly analyzes every bit of propaganda with us in its sites, from ads about mom feeding the family to wedding shows to the Disney princesses and points out some of the crap-disguised-as-candy that we’re being sold all the time, often without even realizing it.

       I recently came across Sarah’s advice for 2010 and even though this year has gone as well for me as any two weeks could have (yes, you can rub me for luck…for a price) I’m going to back up a sec and take some of her advice And if I fail to do that at least I feel very sure I’ll never look at a yogurt ad the same way again.

Bonus track! I liked Sarah's 2009 roundup so much, I'm throwin' in 2008, so you get two years for one, kinda like dog years, but smaller!

Another thing that big booty is good for...

       Good news for those of us who provide our own seat cushions wherever we go: science has discovered that having a big booty may be good for you..

       No, this was not posted by AssMan235 seeking study subjects on Craigslist. It was posted by Jeanna Bryner, managing editor of Live Science reporting on an Oxford study which says that it’s not just lack of fat but fat distribution that plays a part in our health. Belly fat breaks down more easily but that breakdown releases “cytokines, which have been linked to cardiovascular disease, insulin resistance and diabetes.”

       Lower body fat is harder to lose but then at least the fatty acids are stored there and don’t end up in the arteries or liver.

       "One moment on the lips, forever on the hips. It really is exactly this phenomenon; the fat that goes there stays there," on the hips and thighs. Says lead researcher lead researcher Konstantinos Manolopoulos, but it doesn't sound like that is an entirely bad thing.

       So if you’re like me and can’t slide down a theater aisle without hitting some seated patron in the head with your ass, be comforted – not only does that bubble make other people’s hearts beat faster, it might even be good for your own.

("Beauty Spot" by Sarah Bishop on Neatorama)

The Onion: "Kids, Your Mother is Ready to Start Fucking Again"

      If you know your friends well enough sometimes you can hear the emails they send you. My friend Chas sent me a message with no video or sound files, yet I could hear his baritone laugh, one of those laughs where you laugh so hard you have to cough, followed by a sigh and the words "Oh my...how can we ever top The Onion?"
      The answer of course is that we can't. Unless we can turn into Oprah and give every damn one of you a car we won't be able to top this any time soon: "Kids, Your Mother is Ready to Start Fucking Again" the dad-is-gone-and-mom-is-ready-to-start-dating talk. Funniest thing having to do with Moms since June Cleaver spoke jive in "Airplane!" Enjoy!
(MILF t-shirt by Zazzle)

Movie Mondays: Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans

"Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call - New Orleans" isn’t nearly as sexually overt as the original “Bad Lieutenant” where you get to see Harvey Keitel naked and crying (and which once prompted me to ask for my own special Liz Langley “Harvey Keitel Naked” section at Stardust Video & Coffee). In fact, this version, directed by Werner Herzog, has plenty of implied but little actual sex in it, despite the appearance of Eva Mendes as a breath-taking and high-priced prostitute (which was a tinky bit hard to believe; even high priced prostitutes can’t possibly be this silky and have such perfectly even, blindingly white teeth, can they?)

What it did have and why I’m talking about it this week is Fairuza Balk. Faruzia plays a cop on the same force but a different beat as Nicolas Cage (if you’re Caged-out it might be a bit much for but I don’t have that problem; he was a little over-the-top but it’s Bad Lieutenant, fercrissakes. He’s not meant to be minimalist). In one scene Faruzia strips down to lingerie and shows an amazingly fit body and also that she hasn’t lost a microbe of her confident, smoldering, serpentine sexuality. Fairuza could appear in a floor-length Laura Ashley dress with no make-up and bad hair to speak at Mormon abstinence-only meeting and you’d still swear she was trying to seduce you. It may be that she projects self-assurance like a searchlight. It may be that mouth that’s more sensuous than a bookstore full of romance novels. Whatever it is she’s got it; she and the singing lizards (it’s a Herzog film, remember?) – were the two things I walked away most recalling.

This isn’t to disparage the movie at all – it’s a fine detective story, full of good twists, “D’oh!” moments, New Orleans quirkiness and mostly Nicolas Cage being an untrammeled drug addict prick so there was just about never a dull moment (Jennifer Coolidge makes an appearance looking just the opposite of her glamourous cougar self as well).

I’ll be back with more adult fare from Fairvilla's movie section next week. In the meantime, you have a few more days to catch ‘Bad Lieutenant: Port of Call – New Orleans” on the big screen locally at Enzian and it’s certainly worth it: a smart, funny, weird detective story that shows Fairuza Balk to be as bewitching as ever.

Woolie willies: knitting exciting underwear

The temperature in Central Florida is supposed to get down into the 20’s tonight so it’s the perfect time for something warm, snuggly and disturbing, namely: wool fetishists.

This piece ran on Izismile.com in April 2009 – click on it and then give them credit for being original at least. These people make all the latex, leather and vinyl fetishists, myself include, look like a buncha Osmonds. I certainly understand the cuddly factor – who doesn’t like a snuggly sweater on a cold day? They just look itchy and since I’m a little claustrophobic anything with a hood has a disquieting vibe to me, Then there’s the fact that the person in this pic looks like Velma from Scooby-Doo would if she were a Sandperson.

If you click on the Izismile link you’ll see a number of others and the Laughing Squid links to yet another French wool fetishist sight. If it wasn’t for the one that looks like an anatomically correct, well-hung sock monkey (just click the damn link) I’d have wondered if it was really a fetish or people just pulling the wool over our eyes (OUCH! I know…I had to do it). Then I found the XXX siteMohairsluts.com which proved to me it’s definitely the real thing.

I never should have doubted it – if it exists someone has a fetish about it. When someone starts up a site dedicated to people who are turned on by Snuggies you will let me know, won’t you?

Liz Story: The Shining (and the other S&M)

Several weeks ago I was talking to Sexis editor Matthew Lewis about the streak of fetish wear in mainstream fashion and wondered out loud if, because I love wearing that stuff but am not so much into that lifestyle, that made me poser, like someone who wears a Harvard sweatshirt but only went to Harvard – to get the sweatshirt.

That one little comment turned into this story, Shine...and the Other S&M about fetish fashion, the nature of what a fetish really is and the basics of how to shine fetish clothing – with someone in it. For the piece I had the pleasure of interviewing fetish model Chloe Bond and The Baroness, a NY fetish wear designer who revels in latex and who revealed something about to me about myself that I had never realized and was a lovely surprise. The lady’s thoughts are as provocative as her clothing.

Anyway, I enjoyed doing this piece and hope you enjoy reading it. Shine on, everyone!

Toy Talk: Guest Test

People like to make fun of the choices offered at Starbucks – tall skinny mocha chai latte alfredo medium rare – but those choices are one of the reasons for it’s success. Unless they involve too much thinking, we like choices.

We certainly like them when it comes to sex. The God Squad wishes we would confine ourselves to certain practices, but frankly, you might as well demand that the birds stick to one patch of sky.

The grand variety of sexual experience and the spirit of exploration is why I’m supremely excited to say that starting today I’m going to have occasional guest reviewers and writers on Lust Never Sleeps. Sex is – or should be – at least as individualized as coffee drinking, and stuff that’s not my cup of chai latte might be “the bee's knees - the wasp's nipples" to someone else; in the interest of getting more points of view this blog will now be having a few friends over.

My first guests are a couple I’m going to call PB&J because that’s how well they go together and they’re just as sweet. And here’s the thing about PB&J: they will actually use the kind of BDSM gear that I’m strongly attracted to as an element of fashion but have only toyed with in private life. In that spirit I asked them to see what they thought of Pipe Dreams fetish tape and Sportsheets cruelty-free fetish gear - collars, blindfolds, paddles, and other bondage play items. I’ve worn the collars and cuffs out as accessories and found their fuzzy interiors to comfortable as apparel. But how was their romantic road test?

“This set (Blush) would be perfect for a couple who have thought about trying BDSM play but don't know where to start and are intimidated by more "scary" equipment,” PB says. Between the toys and the tape there was “enough to stimulate plenty of exploratory conversations (e.g., "How do you feel when you look at this, honey?") and could be used for a wide variety of scenes."

The flip side for the experienced vet, they both agreed, was that these were definitely for beginners.

“The blindfold is soft and fuzzy,” J says, and felt gentle, but “There was a "play" feeling...I could move my head and slip off the blindfold and pull my hands out of the cuffs if I tried. Because I want to be completely vulnerable and controlled by my partner in order to slip into another space, I will probably opt for something harder…more intentional.”

Speaking of, “The paddle,” J says, is cute, but feels more like a "slap" bracelet than a BDSM toy,” again, great for a starter, less so for a hardcore enthusiast.

“The tape was an interesting addition,” PB says, “being actually very strong when wrapped multiple times. Personally, I prefer the feel of leather, and wrapping/ unwrapping the tape was tedious. However, for someone who has a vinyl fetish, or fantasizes about mummification, or rape scenes involving tape, this could be the ticket.”

“For people who want the feel of bondage fashion without fear of losing too much power,” J says the Blush toys would work.

“I can easily imagine this set opening the doors for a couple to explore BDSM fantasies - and exploration of fantasies, not any particular appliance or activity, is the essence of BDSM,” PB says. “If the Blush set can help people get to that point in their sexual self-actualization, it will have served its purpose well.”

So there you have it - the first official Guest Test. All the products we talked about came from Fairvilla Megastore which is a broad selection so if you're taking the first step or are already a serious traveler they can provide you with the equipment, plus the staff can also give you some insight on stuff you might want to try that you didn't even know existed. On every trip you take, after all, it's nice to have a tour guide.

Movie Mondays: Lars and the Real Girl

          Welcome back to Movie Mondays, circa 2010! Usually I review adult films every Monday but have decided to change things around for the new decade and include exceptional mainstream films about sex and relationships in the Movie Monday mix along with adult fare. Everyone I know who watches porn is, interestingly enough, also a mainstream cineast - so hopefully broader content will appeal just as much as broad content. Enjoy!

      

       Last week I saw an ad for for a National Geographic show called "Strange Love", part of their “Taboo” series, which promised an interview with a guy in love with his love doll.

       Normally a televisual feast like this would prove to me there is a Santa Claus but since I haven’t been able to find it in the listings I decided to do what every film junkie I know has been telling me to do since 2007 and watch “Lars and the Real Girl.” Since it's about a guy who’s in love with his love doll I thought it would be a good tide-over.

       It turned out to be more than that. It was the best 105 minutes I’ve spent in front of a screen – awake – in weeks.

       Loner Lars Lindstrom (Ryan Gosling) does his best, in his quiet gentle way, to keep the people in his life at arm’s length. His sister-in-law Karin pushes invitations on him, his co-workers try to engage him, a young colleague flirts, but Lars prefers his own company. Until he buys Bianca.

       Bianca is a Real Doll but brilliantly, instead of doing what most guys would do with a Real Doll, Lars takes her to Karin and Gus (his brother), introduces her as his girlfriend – in fact, as a very religious, modest, handicapped girlfriend who is new to America (here they are in church). Lars seems to be fully immersed in the delusion that Bianca is real and his family, at the behest of a therapist, goes along with it. Everybody does. Eventually Bianca, despite her fragile medical state (invented by Lars) garners a fuller social life than Lars has.       

       This could have been one protracted 8-th grade goof on Inflate-a-Mates, but director Craig Gillespie (The United States of Tara) and writer Nancy Oliver (True Blood; Six Feet Under) made it a sublime study of the elaborate psychological bridges we construct to get to each other, the nature of love and intimacy and how a little “So what?” can go a really long way.

       Lars won scads of awards and an Oscar nomination and not surprisingly – it’s the freshest thing I’ve seen in some time and the job Ryan Gosling does of interacting with his “girlfriend” is transfixing. The  only ‘adult’ thing about it in that not one moment in it proves to be gratuitous – in the age of overstimulus, that’s an achievment in itself. Two silicone thumbs up. 

The Year is 21 Hours Old and I Already Have a Top Ten

Neurotic people are tough to surprise. Long before anything comes of a situation we’ve already considered 85 potential outcomes, our responses and located our passports in case flight is essential. People who overthink are seldom unprepared.

It must have been the lull of this chily, overcast New Years Day that made me abandon my catlike reflexes but I got a huge surprise – of the good variety - when I clicked onto Alternet and found a headline on the Sex and Relationships page that read:

“Sexy Mormons, The Joy of Vibrators and Sticking it to Puritans: “10 of Liz Langley's Best Pieces,” subheaded “Sex and relationships writer Liz Langley put together some of the sexiest – and smartest – stories about the politics and culture of sex this year.” The piece was put together by Jan Frel and I’ve been working so much, often away from my computer, that it blew right by me despite the fact that I get Alternet headlines delivered to my mailbox every day (and you should, too).

I don’t think anything could have made me happier– I’ve been freelancing for Alternet for eight years now and in addition to being a fabulous to work for I’m smarter and healthier for reading it. I’m so excited to be able to share this piece with you – and yes, I know I’m bragging, but I cannot yet afford a publicist to do that for me so you’ll have to put up with my klutzy DIY promos until I can.

If this is just the beginning of 2010, I can’t wait to see the rest of it. Thank you, Tara, Tana and everyone at Alternet! Cheers!

Photo by Miriam Lorenzi