Love isn't a Battlefield; THIS is a battle field!

       When you have good food, drinks, weather and company, a fabulous view of the rich turquoise sea and a sky so clear you’d swear it was in HD, you never imagine that that next minute the forces of good and evil could clash right before your eyes and that the skies would be filled with toilet paper.

         This was the scene of the Bloody Battle, the re-enactment…kinda….of the day in 1982 when Key West declared itself the Conch Republic, seceded from the US, pelted federal agents with stale Cuban bread then surrendered and demanded $1 billion in foreign aid. The “kinda” is for the fact that in the Battle, the Conchs always roundly defeat the evil pretend oppressor. Yesterday afternoon the Conch Republic Navy and Airforce of clipper ships, sailboats, one yacht, a number of light aircraft --- and one boat with a crew holding a sign demanding “Clothing Optional Beaches” --- took on the Coast Guard Cutters…yes, the actual Coast Guard…in a major food fight on the high seas.

         Cuban bread is still a staple of the fighters, but in the past other foods – rotten tomatoes and hard boiled eggs, ferinstance, were part of the ammo. We even heard a rumor that one year the Coast Guard made piles of shrimp fettucini, added squid ink and left it in the sun for several days to rot before firing it at the unsuspecting Conchs. Not one person who we spoke to on land who had been on a Bloody Battle ship was missing being soaked and pelted.

      Bread, toilet paper and water cannons were the only weapons used in this battle, one in which the Conchs were victorious, with 15 confirmed hits. Viewed from the safety of the Pier House (best conch fritters EVER), the battle is pretty spectacular – the toilet paper streamers winging through the air, three or four water cannons going at once (you can’t see too much of the Cuban bread being heaved from boat to boat but we choose to believe it happened) and finally the red smoke of surrender from the Coast Guard. After the glorious victory, members of the Coast Guard formally surrendered at one of the island’s favorite beach bars, Schooner’s Wharf (not sure which is better there – the atmosphere or the fish tacos – but will take both), where the Captain made a speech about coming to this bizarre island ‘where men are women and chickens are protected’ and deciding they liked it (they were, of course, roundly acknowledged for their real-life role in keeping the island safe for insanity).

         Now normally we focus on sex on this blog – I refuse to make the “Love is a Battlefield” connection because I don’t believe in it – but I will say there is something damn sexy about a place where the most urgent thing you have to do all day is get a good viewing spot for a faux fight – and indeed, about a Coast Guard who gets into the spirit and plays with the locals. There’s an awful lot of sexy things under the sun – especially when there’s this much sun to go around – but a sense of humor definitely brings its own brand of stimulation wherever it goes.

(Photos by Shari Smith Murphy)

         NEXT UP! Fairvilla's Red Ribbon Bed Race to raise money for AIDS Help. Check out last year’s video here: