Who Wins the World Cup of Sex?

       It may have been a while since Spain was an empire but Spanish men just won a victory which that’s going to make mince meat out of the egos of their rivals, in fact, of all the other men on the world stage. Spaniards are the best lovers in the world.

       They are, at least, according to a poll (detailed in the London Daily Telegraph) from www.onepoll.com, which surveyed 15,000 women on who the best and worst lovers on a global scale. I have yet to find a story that says why they’re the best, but the countries the ladies listed as having the most satisfying lovers, from 1-10 are  Spain, Brazil, Italy, France, Ireland, South Africa, Australia, New Zealand, Denmark and Canada. (and on a pesosnal note: Go, Canada! Wahoo!!! You rock, eh?!)

       Male or female, you have noticed that Americans didn’t make the Top Ten cut.

       Well, they’re not the worst in the world according to the poll. That distinction goes to the Germans who were castigated as the worst lovers in the world. Why? Because they’re smelly.

       I don’t think that’s fair. BO isn’t a trait; it’s a circumstance that hardly speaks to sexual character, technique or the lack thereof. And if a guy smelled that bad wouldn't you know it before you hopped im bett mitt him anyway, dummkopf? Other lousy lays from around the world were cited as having traits that I would consider more intrinsic and therefore fair to judge by, like the the Brits (too lazy), Swiss (too quick), Dutch (too rough), Americans (too domineering), Greeks (too sloppy/lovey dovey) and Wales (too selfish).

       Then there's the Scots, coming in at number 8 on the Worst list because they're too…loud? Rrreaally? I'm intrigued T- what kind of bellowing is ringing ‘cross the highlands that could make this an issue? Trying to drown out the bagpipes? This solidifies Scotland as the place I'd like most to visit next in the world - I like sounds of appreciation, perhaps even applause. The Turks, at #9, were cited as too sweaty, which is also pretty iffy as a drawback. Sweaty sex with a Turk could mean you're getting quite a workout, which is a good thing, or it could mean you're having sex...in Turkey. It's hot there.

        The Russians came in at #10 because they were hairy, which I consider the dumbest excuse for not liking something since "too many notes." Hairy is definitely in my pro column no ifs, ands or body waxes, so all I have to say is "How much is a ticket to Minsk?" As Susan Boyle proved, you really miss out when you let superficialities put you off from letting someone show you their technique.  

       So, yeah, these are fun but I think the trifling nature of some of the complaints doesn't really give you enough insight into the bad list. Besides, I'm way less interested in discovering that women don't like body odor (duh) than I am in finding out what the Spaniards, Brazilians and Italians do right that makes the ladies say "Oh God!!" in many languages.