What if your nude scene turns out to be a comedy?

       Every once in awhile you see some TV show where somebody gets locked out of someplace naked and has to be rescued by a bemused passerby. Desperate Housewives, An American Werewolf in London….even Garrison Keillor tells a story of being nude in a hot tub and finding himself locked outside. We see and hear these things and we laugh at the awkwardness, thinking they never really happen or at least not to us.

       Well, guess what.

   I now have intimate knowledge of what a singular pleasure it is to give the AAA operator the laugh of the week. There she is, stuck inside on a glorious day, listening to all those sad, angry, exasperated, hot, sweaty, broke people freaking out on the side of the road and then you bob up on the call list. You say you’ve locked your keys in your trunk, hem and haw about where exactly you are then finally blurt out that you’re at a nudist resort, failed to put your keys in your pockets because you didn’t have any and ask her to send someone instanta because the beer by the pool is not going to drink itself. The laugh that tinkles out from the other end of the line is not quite like any other you’ve heard before – it’s effervescent and musical and just when you think it’s dying down it picks up again like a plastic bag in the wind; she is picturing your dumb ass quite literally, as you peer into the windows of your suddenly-obdurate vehicle, realizing what you’ve just done.

It’s a unique feeling to have someone laugh at your naked body without even being able to see you.

   

      Yep, I made a joke awhile back about the crime at nudist resorts probably being low because there are no pockets to secret any ill-gotten booty in and next thing I know no-pockets syndrome has me standing in the parking lot of Cypress Cove Nudist Resort in Kissimmee (above; and no that's not me in the pic) waiting for the locksmith. My friend Sheree, who is far more insightful than I am, says we should be dressed while we’re waiting and despite feeling like an ant under a magnifying glass in the Central Florida heat I have to concur. You know how people inside the gate feel about public nudity but an accidental tourist might be anything from uncomfortable to offended to creepy.

       Our white knight shows up in about 20 minutes and begins, his vibe is as mellow and non-threatening as it can be, like a youngish grandfather. We say we hope he isn’t bothered by the location. Nah, he says, he’s been called out here a lot (see: “no pockets”). In fact, he says, there was no need for us to dress just for him.
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       If you want to become a footnote in nudist history, put your keys on a lanyard around your neck and come participate in the World's Largest Skinny Dip which will take place on July 11 at 3pm at sanctioned nudist outfits all over North America including Cypress Cove. The Guiness Book of World’s Records will be admitting it’s first ever skinny dip record into their book. If you’re an experienced nudist it should be easy. If not think how fun would it be to tell everyone that the first time you ever took your clothes off in public it make the record books. It’ll give them almost as good a laugh as we gave AAA.

(painting at top: Salvador Dali., My Wife, Nude, Contemplating Her Own Flesh Becoming Stairs, Three Vertebrae of a Column, Sky and Architecture)